Have you ever been in a relationship and felt your world getting smaller? You start missing things you used to do, wondering who you are outside of being someone’s partner. You think about all the lives you could be living, and somehow the person beside you becomes responsible for everything you’re missing.

I have a complicated relationship with relationships. My longest one lasted two and a half years, and it was eleven years ago. I’ve had a couple since then, but nothing lasted more than half a year. Take everything I am going to share with a pinch of salt. There is room to grow in this area of my life.

Throughout my twenties, I felt insecure about who I was, whether it was because of the receding hairline people kept making fun of or my inability to grasp what value I could possibly bring to someone’s life.

Combine this with a lifestyle of switching places every 6–12 weeks, and there wasn’t even room for something to emerge. Whenever I felt attracted to someone, I felt the need to rush through the process. I did not have time, as my flight was taking off in a few weeks.

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The impatience would lead me to focus all my attention on her. I would try to engineer every moment as a chance for her to see me and for something to develop. I would often lose my authenticity in the process, giving up everything to get a piece of the love I was hungry for.

And when the interest was mutual? The fear of commitment crept in. I tried finding reasons to escape. I would find myself thinking of all the things I could be doing if it weren’t for her.

The first relationship since university lasted about 6 weeks. When things started to become serious, the fear of losing my freedom came up. I tried to explain what I was feeling, hoping we could work through it together. The conversation did not go as I hoped, and I took that as confirmation that relationships were a cage.

I learned a lot about myself. I found out that sometimes people want to feel heard before looking for a solution. Surprise, hah? I discovered my boundaries. But most importantly, I realised I was trying to make up for my lack of community with romantic love.

The second lasted about 6 months. It was the first time I experienced receiving unconditional love, and boy, I had no idea what to do with it.

Instead of having hard conversations early on, I suppressed what I was feeling. Why am I complaining? She was everything I could ever ask for, and on the outside we were a perfect match. But the voice kept getting louder, and eventually burst out, causing lots of pain.

I realised how much I was blaming her for the things I had stopped doing since we started the relationship. I failed to take responsibility. It was so much easier to blame her for my inability to say what I needed. Even after we had the hard conversations and she showed she was willing to meet me where I was, I couldn’t say yes. It wasn’t a reason, just a gut feeling I couldn’t explain at the time.

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It took me more than a year to get over her. I kept wondering whether I had made a mistake leaving behind something that looked so perfect.

I do not regret anything. With the information I had at the time, I did the best I could do. But I would behave differently if faced with a similar situation today. It is easy to outsource my problems to someone else — partner, government, weather. But taking responsibility for my part? Incredibly difficult, because that involves change.

My adult experience with romantic love comes down to those relationships and what I’ve seen of how people around me relate. When I imagined myself in those scenarios and considered my own experience, I started to feel hopeless. I thought I was failing at life because I was still single.

Relationships started to feel like an obligation. Something to be in just to silence the people around me and avoid being by myself. But outsourcing my insecurity to someone else felt wrong. Can I find the love I am craving for in myself first? And what about the love I could share with family, friends and a community? I had been asking a romantic relationship to fill so much of my life. Maybe there was more room for love than I had allowed myself to imagine.

I started working on this a couple of years ago. It was challenging to express my needs and risk abandonment. But the more I did it, the more I was coming back to myself. I slowly started to stop giving up who I was just to feel loved. In the process, I started to experience lots of love for myself, and it helped me to feel more secure in who I was.

I started imagining what I dream of from a romantic relationship. Two people walking together on the path of life, both of us shining our own lights even brighter. Holding each other's hand when life gets challenging. Both of us already feeling whole, with the relationship there as a safe haven while we grow together.

Choosing to build something together. Love as a verb, a continuous action. The quote below helped me put words to what I was beginning to envision.

It was a small flicker in the beginning, but life kept feeding it. I found people like Preston Rack, an incredible creator on love. I read Alain de Botton’s fascinating book ‘The Course of Love’. I met couples who embodied what I was reading in books. The flame started to get bigger. I realised I do not need to fit myself into a box drawn by society.

I recently got a glimpse of what it felt like to love someone from that place. It came in a way I hadn’t expected, at what seemed like the worst possible time, yet somehow at exactly the right time. Suddenly, something I had mostly understood intellectually became something I could actually feel.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to choose someone in all of her complexity, as she is today, without wanting her to become a different person. Could this feeling survive one year, five years, shared rent, conflict and repetition? I have absolutely no idea. But until now, I wasn’t even sure I was capable of feeling so sure about someone.

I’m still single. But through this experience, I felt a kind of love emerging I’d previously only understood intellectually. It helped me see parts of myself I had no idea existed. Maybe there is a way towards a relationship that feels expansive? Time will tell.

See you soon,
Robert.

I stopped drinking on the 7th of September 2022, and it has been the most important decision I’ve made in my life. Initially I wanted to make this a “you should quit alcohol, because it's unhealthy for you” post. But then I decided on a different angle. I am in no position to give you advice.

I never thought I had a problem with alcohol. I was only drinking on social occasions, and always with people.

In 2017 I moved to Sweden. The afterwork culture is strong there, and I'd find myself going out drinking 2-3 times a week. Usually on an empty stomach. Later I started traveling, and was constantly meeting people. I would eat out a lot, watch sunsets and go out after dinner.

Alcohol slowly became ingrained in my evening routine. When covid hit, I even bought fancy wine glasses so I could recreate the same effect at home. Even when I was by myself. I kept telling myself it was fine. Everyone else around me was doing the same thing.

I vividly remember being out with a friend in Mexico. I shared a few drinks with him, but I was not in the mood for a big night out.

He got drunk nevertheless and started hitting on women. I started to get uncomfortable. It felt like he was getting more and more out of control and losing the ability to read their reactions.

I could see a path where I would be like him in a few years, and that scared me. I already felt that without alcohol, I wasn’t able to loosen up, especially around women. I was also feeling quite insecure, afraid of ending up alone and never finding love. Was I subconsciously using alcohol to run away from all these fears?

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The next winter I experimented with stopping, but the maximum I was able to do was one month. There were lots of precious moments shared with people I loved, and I felt those were worth a drink. I pressured myself into drinking.

Fast forward to the end of August 2022. I was in my biohacking era, listening to a lot of Huberman Lab. I came across this episode about alcohol, and I promised myself I wouldn’t drink for 3 months.

I was about to leave for New Zealand to do an outdoor education course and possibly change my entire life. The course was 3 months. No one there knew me, so I could adopt the sober identity more easily without judgement. It was a blank page, and I was ready to change my patterns.

The three months were a success. I had no craving for alcohol, and I was able to be my authentic self with the people around me. The clear mind helped me to lay the foundations for the next few years. I decided to continue the experiment beyond New Zealand.

Fast forward to May 2023. The final boss of my will to say no to alcohol was coming up. A stag party and three weddings back home. Romania ranks the highest in the world when it comes to alcohol consumption. If I can say no there, I can say no anywhere.

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The stag party was the first test. I was afraid of this friend, who is a big drinker and can be pushy. But to my surprise, he was completely chill, and gave up trying to convince me after about 2 minutes. They were making jokes, for sure, but it felt playful.

At the first wedding, I had a moment where I really wanted to have an Aperol Spritz. But fortunately, my friend David, who had also quit, was there, and his presence helped me to say no. I am eternally grateful. I had the best time at the party, was one of the last to leave and had more energy than I’d ever had while drunk.

Everything went smoothly after that wedding. I had no desire to drink, and even managed to stay true to myself when I got into a relationship at the end of 2023. But then something started to shift at the end of 2025.

I started to question if this behaviour was still aligned with the person I was becoming. Putting myself into the sober box helped me to understand myself, and I am grateful for that.

I saw my good friend Jan in Munich at the end of 2025, and we went to a cute Christmas market. I decided to have a glass of mulled wine. For the vibe. I also remembered liking the taste. It felt weird to feel tipsy after such a long time.

Fast forward to August 2026. I was in Georgia, a country that is famous for its wine. But I didn't feel like drinking there. So I bought a bottle and took it back to Europe with a plan in my mind.

We opened that bottle a few days later with a person who is very close to my heart. The wine was meaningful in many different ways. It was from a wine country. It was a test to see if I could change my relationship with alcohol. Most importantly, I was sharing it intentionally with someone who feels precious to me.

Initially it was strange. It felt like I was breaking a promise to myself. But then I eased into it. It was a beautiful evening filled with lots of deep conversations. The wine definitely added to the vibe. I did not feel drunk, and I felt completely fine the next day.

What is going to change from here on? Probably nothing much. I like my life without alcohol, and I have little desire to drink. But I also enjoyed sharing that wine, and I don't regret it. I am open to having a glass or two again if the moment feels right.

I can't say if quitting altogether is right for you at this point in your life. But I have a challenge for you if you have been thinking about it. The questions below are an invitation for you to think before you reach for a drink.

1. What am I feeling?

2. What do I want the drink to change?

3. What else could meet that need?

4. Can I try that for 20 minutes first?

What interests me about these questions is what I might discover in the pause. I spent years reaching for a drink without asking what I wanted from it. Now I want to pay attention to the answer.

What is your relationship with alcohol? I would love to hear from you.

See you next week,
Robert.

On August 28th 2026 I took the first steps towards what I call the mother of all side quests. It feels like a crazy idea, and for this reason, only ChatGPT knows about the details. Will keep it like that for now.

I want this post to exist as a timestamp. Proof that I started before I knew where any of it would lead. I am going to document the journey and will publish it when and if the time feels right.

I used to play a lot of video games. Even back then, I was more interested in the side quests than the main plot. I wanted to immerse myself in the full game. Collect the items, explore the map and take my time with the game.

But in order to unlock more side quests, I needed to engage with the main quest as well. That is the only way to progress and experience new things.

In life, we are told to go to a university, get a job, find a partner, build a house, start a family, travel the world, and retire. But I never really resonated with putting my whole focus on this singular story line.

Life feels incredibly rich, and I am feeling an endless amount of gratitude for every single day on Earth. There is so much magic around me. I will get lost, find myself, meet random people and feel deeply alive while doing so. I will experience the full range of this human experience.

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Side quests are a great way to engage with life. While pursuing them, I also get to understand myself and bring what I learn back to the main quests. Because I do resonate with many things from the conventional main quests.

They are part of my long term vision. But I do not want society to tell me the shape they should take. I am the creator of my own reality, and I am going to complete the main quests on my own terms.

I imagine a partner with whom we walk on the path of life together. But I do not feel desperate to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. That type of relationship comes from a place of lack and it feels suffocating. I want the choice to come from love, not from fear of being alone.

I imagine having a family. But not as a mere distraction to a life that feels incomplete. I want to feel that it's the right step to take in that moment of our lives, feel at peace with the decision and be the best father I can be.

Work is a central part of my life. But I am creating a work situation that is uniquely fitting for my talents. I do not find that on LinkedIn working for a company that sucks my soul out. I deeply feel that I have the knowledge to create something special that feels purposeful.

I do not know where my home is yet, but I found glimpses of that feeling over the years. I am going to have a home. Somewhere I can return to from the explorations in the world. But not because society is telling me I need to slow down, so that I can focus on the main quests.

Retirement for me does not mean beach, cocktails, and disengaging from life. I imagine myself continuing to create, but maybe with less intensity. I will also not put my life on hold until I retire. There is no guarantee I am going to wake up tomorrow.

Let's get back to the present moment. I have a tendency to jump into projects with full force, only to abandon them a few weeks later. I am not sure yet if I can fully trust the energy behind this side quest. Only time will tell.

But there is a tiny voice coming from inside talking to me that this idea will survive the test of time. It feels like intuition. There are glimpses spanning my whole life that support taking on this side quest.

I am already taking action towards it, and will continue in different shapes and forms during the next 100 days. I am going to see how I will feel about it on December 6th of 2026.

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I call this the mother of all side quests, because it has the potential to unlock many smaller side quests, that I don't have the possibility, need or inspiration to pursue. Maybe it is going to reshape even some of the main quests. Or I never touch the side quests it unlocks. Or I fail.

This side quest might also connect to the mission I want to pursue through my work. The mission is still taking shape, but even by reading this, you are already part of it. I want to turn attention on the internet into real experiences in the world. I already tested a small version of this in Georgia, when I paid for a stranger to join me on an eight-day trek.

One day, one of the side quests this unlocks might belong to you. We may not even know each other yet. The idea of doing this together makes me feel alive.

I have no clue and I don't care. The mystery of this pulls me towards it, even though I know it's going to be hard. No matter where it goes, it will be another crazy story to tell my grandkids.

When I started 4 days ago, I imagined what this side quest would unlock on the map. But I am pretty sure life is going to surprise me in ways I cannot even imagine now.

I bought a new notebook, wrote the title on the first page, and started laying down the first bricks. From here I am going to surrender, and focus only on the day ahead.

Wish me luck ✨

I changed mine.

In 2016 I went on my first proper trip abroad to Bosnia and Herzegovina. That was the first eye-opening experience of my life. I spent ten days with a group of 20 people from all over the world! We learned to code, played games, stayed up late and made fun of each other.

I wanted more, so I booked my first ever solo trip to Milan and couchsurfed in Monza. From there, the rest is history. Suddenly a whole new world opened, and I started driving my parents crazy with my travel plans.

I was in love with all the possibilities life has to offer, and I wanted to soak all of it in. At the same time, I fell into the corner of self-development obsessed with constant optimisation and not waiting for the perfect moment.

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Two years after that trip to Bosnia, in 2018, I got my first tattoo. I wanted something that would constantly remind me of the inevitability of death. My desire was to live fully, have a wide range of experiences and meet as many people as possible.

Boy, did that belief take me on a crazy journey. I traveled the world while working remotely, had a midlife crisis while doing an outdoor education course in New Zealand, explored my inner world from different angles, fell in love multiple times, broke some hearts, began to understand my upbringing, and met incredible people, amongst many other things.

But all of this came with a price. I rarely stayed anywhere long enough for the novelty to wear off and something deeper to begin. There was always an onward flight, because time was limited after all. Death is looming around the corner, and I have to experience as much as possible.

I was having the most incredible life on the outside, but I was feeling lonely. I thought a romantic relationship would give me the sense of home I was missing. Surprise — it did not.

The wake-up call was finishing up a 12-day trek in Kyrgyzstan. At our last dinner, everyone was talking about their excitement about returning to their life. A girl was starting university, another one got a new job, and a man was excited to see his wife.

And me? I was going to move in with a group of strangers in a co-living space in the Swiss Alps. That felt like the furthest thing from what I was craving: a home I would be excited to return to.

I did not know it then, but the co-living became my first proper home in my adult life. I remember sitting in the living room one winter evening, and realising there was no other place I wanted to be.

I got to experience seasons. Know the people at the supermarket by name. Work on my own projects. Build weekly rituals with friends. Learn to cook and have people over for dinner.

But most importantly, I got to sit with myself. I had never learned how to sit with the seemingly mundane or work through difficult emotions. I was constantly chasing the next new thing, distracting myself from my inner world. Now, I finally had the mental headspace to experience the full range of my emotions.

Be bored — this is such an overlooked skill in today's world. I did not feel the pressure to fill every minute of my day with activities. What do you mean I could just sit on the sofa, light a candle and read my book?

Get excited about the smallest things, like my morning coffee. The constant desire for peak experiences numbed my senses. It is difficult to enjoy the morning sun hitting my favorite part of the sofa, if in my mind I want to be in the Maldives scuba diving with manta rays.

I started to feel the “time is limited” message no longer fit me. It started to go against my values of depth over breadth. So I made a little update to it.

Time is still limited, of course. Crossing out those words did not make me immortal. I simply no longer wanted urgency to be the force directing my life.

The new message feels aligned with the version of me I am becoming without erasing the road that brought me here. I have come to trust time in two ways.

Timing. Moving to Lisbon. Committing to a person. Quitting my job. I felt it in my bones that it was time to take those steps, even without knowing where they would lead.

Time. A decision can feel clear while its consequences remain completely uncertain. Looking back over the past 32 years, much of my life only makes sense from a distance.

For the first time in my life, I am not rushing towards an answer. I can hold multiple versions of the future without needing to decide today which one will become real. Time will give me more information, and I trust that eventually it will make sense.

Will Lisbon still be my home in a year? Will a connection I care about ever become a relationship? I can leave those questions open without letting them consume me.

It is a fine line: leaving room for uncertainty while continuing to participate fully in the life that is already here. I don’t know which version of the future will become real. For once, I don’t need to force an answer.

It is just a matter of time.

What is something you once believed deeply that no longer fits the life you’re living today? I want to hear from you.

See you next week,
Robert.

In my mind, I am the best writer in the world, I have a billion dollar business, and I would definitely get into that relationship if circumstances were different.

Living in my mind is incredible. Anything can happen in there! I can fantasise about an idea, and create a world that feels special. I can keep on building that world forever.

I can keep coming up with an endless amount of reasons to keep that world alive. Testing them with reality has a huge price. Maybe my world will collapse? Or it might look completely different from my imagination.

Kittens and Death

The ideas in my head work in a similar way. Until I open the box, or test them with reality, anything is possible. I have the perception of freedom, because I am telling myself the only thing stopping those realities from materialising is my choice.

But at the same time, I am slowly getting paralysed by the multitude of options. I’ve spent so much time building up this world in my head. Testing it with reality would mean starting over in the physical world.

It feels dangerous. What if I fail? What if I am actually not as good of a writer? What if people will laugh at me? Suddenly I feel insecure, and take my hands off the doorknob. Let me just make sure that I am ready!

So I keep on preparing. I open up my notes, and spend one more hour on an article that I already rewritten 10 times. I have to make sure it's perfect! I keep on building a castle that has no foundation in reality yet. The cat has to stay alive!

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Opening the Box

But what if I take a different approach? Instead of building a house in my mind that I have no idea if anyone would want to enter, I lay the first brick in the physical world. I slowly start opening the box.

I don't have to overwhelm myself though. I can start by peeking inside, and letting some light into the darkness. Heck, I might even close the box back. But I already started with putting things in motion.

Slowly I build up more courage. I let in more light, and I see the cat. I have no idea if it is alive or not, but the cat becomes visible. I still don't see the full spectrum of what's inside yet. The corners are still dark.

Maybe the cat was pregnant, so I find seven kittens in the corner. Or the cat went crazy, and it attacks me. Maybe the cat is Buddha. Because it spent so much time in the darkness, it awakened.

The possibilities in my head are no longer endless. But reality might contain possibilities I never thought of.

Once the cat is out of the box, I have the choice to face the situation or close back the box as soon as possible. But I can't unsee what I’ve seen.

A Practical Example

I had a blog in 2018 already, but stopped writing for 7 years. Last year, my intention was to restart this passion of mine. But I can't just publish one post, I have to have 10 ready for the launch!

How will it look if I announce these big goals, only to stop after two weeks? I have to be ready.

So I wrote and wrote. Maybe I had 5 drafts sitting in my notes. I will publish when I have more, it needs to make sense.

Fortunately I am part of an amazing accountability group with my friends from Alpiness Coloving. I committed to start publishing, and because people were watching me, I could not back out.

So I started. I posted my first article on my Instagram, and expected tens of messages and hundreds of subscribers. I am the best writer after all, everyone will love and follow my journey.

Well no. I was pacing nervously up and down my room. There was no response in the first hour. Maybe 3 people read it. Where are the people? In my mind, I was already nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.

Ridiculous, hah? I know! The castle I built in my mind clashed with the reality of laying down the first brick of the same castle in physical world. It felt painful, and I wanted to run away.

I eventually stopped publishing after I had 5 articles, and started focusing on my Instagram. But the foundation I started building in June 2025 was still there.

More than a year later, I started building towards the same castle again. Let’s see how far I get this time.

Final Words

There is a quote by Myles Munroe that has stayed with me:

I don’t want to build another imaginary castle in that cemetery.

I would rather open the box and discover that the cat is dead than spend my life protecting a cat that may never have existed. There is only one way to know: by opening the box.

What’s the first box that comes to your mind that you’ve been keeping closed for way too long? You don’t have to tear the whole thing open today. But I encourage you to take a peek inside.

And if you do, I’d love to hear what you find.

See you next week,
Robert.

What would change if you could ask for what you want and genuinely be okay with hearing no? You would still have hopes — oh, a lot of hope! You’d just know that even a no wouldn’t destroy you.

The Stranger Experiment

Since July 2025, I have approached 500+ people on the street for my Instagram. It started as street photography, evolved into more meaningful questions, later into free-flowing conversations, and nowadays shared experiences.

I got to experience firsthand how powerful it is to live by the mantra “prepare for the worst, hope for the best”. With every person I approached, I was preparing for the worst: an aggressive rejection.

Guess how many times that happened? Zero! No one was aggressive toward me. Most of the rejections were because people were busy, not in the mood, or not comfortable for whatever reason.

Every time I got further in the process with someone, I felt more confident with the next person. I did not need them to say yes, and I believe people pick up on this. My goal was to make people comfortable enough to tell me their truth, whether it was a yes or a no.

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Around 100+ people said yes, and that's where the magic started to happen. My goal was to go into each conversation with a blank state. I did not need anything to happen. I wanted to see how is the energy between us, and co-create something together.

All the conversations were unique in their own way, and I enjoyed every single one of them. With some, there was more synergy than with others, but that's okay. Most of the stories will stay with me forever.

A man told me things he had never shared with anyone in the past 10 years. I got a tattoo at Tiago's shop after meeting him. I met up with Elsa and Aya twice when I went back to Clermont-Ferrand. And there are more beautiful stories like these.

A Fully Furnished Life

Imagine a castle with lots of space. You have 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a huge living room, a cinema room, and a spacious garden. You have a clear vision of how the space should be filled.

You want a specific sofa from Finland. A La Marzocco coffee machine because why not. An Eight Sleep mattress because you heard about it on a Tim Ferriss podcast. Let your imagination go wild! Every single inch of the castle can be designed exactly as you like. How beautiful.

The above description fits the life I was designing for myself. I had a long list of things I need to do. My ideal partner was someone who has all the same interests as me. I wanted to have the same conversations with all the people in my life. If it's the weekend, it had to include a long day in the mountains and a half marathon.

The castle was full of things I love, but there was no space for anyone to enter. I did not want to inconvenience myself by inviting people over. That would mean changing my routine, and maybe something unexpected will happen.

Decluttering My Home

Approaching strangers started to show me a different way of living. I slowly started to let life surprise me, and beautiful things started to happen.

Conversations I could not have imagined previously became second nature. I discovered a way of loving I did not know existed before. I posted a video inviting a stranger to Georgia, and now he is sitting next to me on the train to Mestia.

I still have my home, and I would not get rid of certain things. Like the dishwasher. The lighting has to be warm; white lights should be forbidden from homes. The sofa is comfortable, and I need it to recover.

The things I will not get rid of are the values I would not compromise on. There will be some of me in my house. But I want to leave space for other people in case they want to enter. If they do, I want us to figure out together what our shared space looks like.

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A Blank Canvas

Every new interaction is a blank canvas, but neither of us arrives empty-handed. I bring my colors, you bring yours. What we create depends on both of us.

I started to approach every situation with this mindset. I care about presence, curiosity, kindness and respect. I don't care what you read, what stage of life you are at or if you like long hikes.

I don't need your participation for my peace to exist. I would love you to say yes, of course. And depending on what the invitation means to me, a no might hurt. There might even be grief. But I know I will recover.

I can tell you what I want. I can ask you to join me. I can make space for something to happen between us. Then I have to leave enough room for your answer to be real.

Sometimes that answer creates a story I could never have planned. Sometimes it ends with a no. I will keep making the invitation anyway. Because some of the most beautiful things in my life started with me reaching out without knowing what would come back.

And I think I want to keep living like that: with a home that still feels like mine, and enough empty space for someone else to bring their own furniture.

What would you ask for if you knew you could handle a no?

What is your definition of freedom?

It's the beginning of August, and I am on my way to the mountains in Romania with my parents. The next few days are going to be what we would call a vacation.

As I was drinking my morning coffee, I started thinking about the word vacation. In Hungarian, the word vacation can be translated as szabadság, which literally means freedom. I looked up the etymology of the word vacation.

The word vacation derives from the Latin vacare, meaning to be free, empty, or unoccupied. Historically, it referred to a period of release from duties or formal obligations. Its original meaning was therefore closer to freedom from occupation than to travel itself.

I started thinking about freedom, and how its meaning has changed for me over the past ten years.

Let's Play a Game

Imagine two people. Steven and Andrea.

Steven has a family, a mortgage, and a challenging job. Andrea has unlimited money, no one to be responsible for, and an empty calendar.

Who would you say is freer?

The obvious answer would be Andrea. She has the possibility to plan any life she wants. Her calendar is empty. But we don't know what it’s like to be her.

Maybe she is riddled with anxiety, scared of making the wrong decision and trapped by having too many options. Steven, on the other hand, consciously chose every single one of his responsibilities.

So who is actually freer?

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Chasing Freedom

For most of my twenties, I wouldn't have hesitated. I wanted to be Andrea.

I read a book in 2018 about values. It suggested to choose two values, so every decision should pass through that filter. One of the two I chose was freedom. I started to look at most of my decisions through this lens.

I built my life around keeping as many doors open as possible. I avoided commitments that would limit my options. I believed that was what freedom looked like.

Those years taught me discipline, gave me financial stability, and exposed me to cultures and experiences that shaped who I am today. But eventually, after years of chasing that version of freedom, I found myself asking a question I never expected:

Before the age of 30, I already traveled around the world, had a flexible job, I could live anywhere, and was in the greatest shape of my life. However, something felt off. I should feel happy. I have everything society is longing for. Why am I not happy?

Focusing on eliminating friction from my life started to cost my relationships.

The digital nomad lifestyle is beautiful. During those six or so years, I learned a lot about the world. All of those are an integral part of me right now.

The directness of the Dutch. The pragmatism of the German. The kindness of the Vietnamese. The extroversion of the Americans. The introspection of the Indians. The respect of the Japanese. The cuisines of Asia. The respect for nature of the Kiwi. I could go on.

But there is no free lunch. Spending a couple of weeks in a country is a great way to get a taste of a culture, but it is not enough time to build deep relationships. The moment we started getting closer, my time was up.

I did not have time to feel the pain, because I was off to my next destination. I was the one who was always leaving people behind. While it served me well until then, it felt like my approach to life needed an upgrade.

Finding Agency

I remember sitting on the couch one evening in the winter of 2024 at Alpiness Coliving. For the first time in my life, I did not want to be anywhere else. I had my then girlfriend next to me, an incredible community, and lots of outdoor adventures. Was this how home felt like?

I ended up being based in the valley for the next two years. I finally experienced seasons. I got to be on the receiving end of being left behind. I stayed during the off-peak months.

I discovered new feelings. The constant movement prevented me from noticing them before. Longing, heartbreak, boredom, peace, contentment, routine. Finally, I had headspace to work on my own projects and notice my inner self.

Slowly the idea to focus on agency instead of freedom started to crystallise. I also finally read Mark Manson's famous book, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck". He talks a lot about being able to choose our own problems. What is the difference between the two words?

Freedom is the range of possibilities available to you. Agency is the ability to consciously choose your relationship to reality. You can have freedom without agency, and agency even when your freedom is limited.

That sounded much more sustainable. I am not in control of the outside world. I have no idea how people will react or what is going to happen when I step outside the house.

If I need a specific condition to exist to be happy, I will continue chasing the next new thing forever. No matter how good my life is, there is always better — even if that world only exists in my head.

But now I am ready to choose. I am ready to commit, experience the full spectrum of that experience and operate within the boundaries of my choices.

If I want friends in my life who are there for me, maybe I should occasionally stay up till 2am to talk about life. Even if my sleep score will be low the next day. Or fly across the continent to be there for their birthday.

I want to stay even if a situation becomes challenging. Sit with it, make the best out of the situation, and find contentment within the messy reality of life.

Staying in Lisbon during the worst times could give me the headspace to build a business. Loving without knowing where it will lead could awaken my creativity. Pushing my body when it's tired helps me to build mental resilience when life is uncertain.

And when the sun starts shining in April, someone meets me where I am, or I hike with friends on a good day, I will appreciate those moments even more because I know what the darkness feels like.

Joy and sorrow no longer feel like opposing forces. They feel like different textures of the same life. Each reveals something the other cannot. There is no shadow without light.

Final words

Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped chasing a life without constraints. Every meaningful part of life comes bundled with something difficult. Friendship asks for time. Love asks for vulnerability. Growth asks for discomfort. Purpose asks for responsibility.

I want to choose which commitments are worth making and live them fully.

So let me leave you with the same question I started with: What is your definition of freedom? Has it changed over the years, or are you still chasing the version you inherited from someone else? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Maybe your answer will help someone else redefine their own.

I'm Robert. I write about aliveness, love, creativity, and the human experience through stories from my own life. If this essay resonated with you, you can find more reflections on Instagram and longer essays here on Substack.

I want to take a complete stranger, maybe you, on an eight-day guided trekking trip through Upper Svaneti, Georgia.

The trip runs from 10 to 17 August 2026 and is organised through Caucasus Trekking.

I will cover the tour myself, worth around €800. You will need to pay for your flights, travel insurance, and anything outside the tour package.

Yes, this is extremely short notice. I am testing your spontaneity.

If this sounds interesting but you cannot join, please help me reach the right person. Send it to the friend who might be crazy enough to say yes.

Why am I doing this?

I love meeting people and doing strange things that lead to concerned questions from my parents.

I believe social media can be used to create real connection. I want to see whether the algorithms can bring this invitation to someone I would never normally meet, and what might happen if we spend eight days walking through the mountains together.

In 2024, I joined a trekking tour through Kyrgyzstan. For twelve days, a group of complete strangers travelled through the mountains of a country many people around us had barely heard of. It became one of the best trips of my life.

This year, I am returning to the region. I kept thinking about how much more interesting the experience could become if I shared it with someone completely unexpected.

It is random. It is slightly weird. There are several ways it could go wrong. That is also exactly why it feels worth trying.

Who am I?

My name is Róbert. I am Hungarian from Romania, currently based in Lisbon, and I have lived nomadically on and off since the beginning of 2018.

I spent most of my adult life working as a software developer. Recently, I left my job to pursue a different direction built around writing, conversations, creativity, and human connection.

Mountains have been a core part of my life for the past ten years. I lived in Switzerland for two years through Alpiness Coliving. I run and hike regularly, have skied since I was five, and have some experience with mountaineering.

You can look through my Strava if you want evidence that I actually spend time in the mountains.

I also started an Instagram account where I speak with strangers and share what is happening in my own life. You can get a much better sense of me there than I could give you in a short biography.

Social media has already changed my life. This is an experiment to see how much further I can take it.

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Who are you?

I do not have a precise type of person in mind. Your gender, nationality or profession do not matter. The practical requirements do.

You are genuinely comfortable with long days in the mountains. Expect several consecutive days of hiking, often covering around 8–15 km with substantial elevation gain, averaging around 900 m of elevation gain per day. You do not need to be an elite athlete, but you should already exercise regularly and have experience with long hikes or comparable endurance activities.

You have an open mind and a curious spirit. We will spend eight days travelling through the mountains with people we have never met. There will be plenty of time for conversations, but also fatigue, silence, bad weather, and whatever else the mountains decide to give us.

You are comfortable with some discomfort. This is not a luxury holiday. We will sleep in local guesthouses, eat the food available there, and move our bodies every day.

You can make decisions quickly. The trek begins in two weeks. You need to be able to reach Mestia by 9 August and commit to booking your travel shortly after the selection process.

You can pay for your flights, insurance, and additional expenses. I considered paying for everything, but I want this to be a shared commitment. Booking your own travel gives you some skin in the game and makes it much more likely that you will actually show up.

You take responsibility for your own decision to participate. I am another participant, not your guide. You are responsible for assessing whether the trek matches your fitness and experience, following the guides’ instructions, and arranging travel insurance that covers trekking in the mountains at the relevant altitude.

We will have time to speak, ask difficult questions, verify each other’s identities, and decide whether travelling together actually feels sensible.

I will probably document parts of the trip. You do not need to be a creator, and I will not publish footage of you without your consent.

I fly into Tbilisi on the morning of 8 August. If our plans align, we can travel towards Mestia together. Otherwise, we will meet there on 9 August.

The trip

The first three days will be a private tour with a small group of around four or five people. From 13 August, we will join the existing five-day group trek from Mestia to Ushguli.

The route passes through the mountains and traditional villages of Upper Svaneti. We will stay in guesthouses along the way, with guides responsible for leading the group.

The exact itinerary, inclusions, difficulty, and packing information are available on the tour website.

The vetting process

There will be a Typeform at the end of this article. Complete it by Wednesday, 29 July at 22:00 CEST.

I will invite a small number of people to a short video call on Thursday. The first goal is to confirm that neither of us is a serial killer.

The actual goal is to understand your hiking experience, expectations, communication style, and reasons for wanting to join. It will also give you the opportunity to question me and decide whether this feels safe and worth pursuing.

I will then have a longer conversation with a few people on Friday. This is mutual vetting. I might invite you, but you still get to decide whether you want to come.

After choosing someone, I will contact the tour operator and confirm that your place is available. I will pay the required deposit. You should only book flights after we have written confirmation from the operator.

Before travelling, we will exchange identification and emergency contact information.

The essential information

What: An eight-day guided trekking trip through Upper Svaneti, organised through Caucasus Trekking.

When: 10–17 August 2026.

Cost: I cover your place on the trek. You cover flights, travel insurance, and anything outside the tour package.

Who can apply: Anyone who can legally enter Georgia, reach Mestia by 9 August, cover their own travel and extras, and take full responsibility for showing up fit, insured, and prepared.

Structure: Three days with a small private group, followed by the five-day Svaneti group trek.

Meeting point: Mestia, Georgia, by 9 August. We may travel there together from Tbilisi on 8 August.

Difficulty: Demanding. You should be fit, experienced with long mountain days, and capable of hiking for several consecutive days.

Accommodation: Local guesthouses during the trek.

Food: Meals included in the tour package. Bring money for snacks, drinks, and anything you want outside the provided meals.

Equipment: Comfortable hiking shoes or trail runners, warm layers, rain protection, hiking clothes, and a backpack of approximately 25–30 litres. The operator will provide the final packing details.

Insurance: You must arrange appropriate travel insurance that covers mountain trekking, medical treatment, and emergency evacuation.

Participation and responsibility: Applicants must be at least 18 years old. Final participation is subject to approval and written confirmation from Caucasus Trekking. The selected person will participate as an independent traveller and must accept the tour operator’s terms directly. Routes, schedules and activities may change because of weather, safety concerns or other circumstances. I am paying the tour fee as a personal gift, but I am not acting as a guide, travel agent or tour operator. Flights and other independently booked expenses remain your responsibility and may not be reimbursed if you cancel, miss the trip or the itinerary changes.

Other: If you have any other questions, please reach out to me. Either here, through comments, Instagram or hello@seenbyrobet.com.

What happens next?

Fill out the Typeform by Wednesday, 29 July at 22:00 CEST.

Be available for an initial call on Thursday, 30 July.

A smaller number of people will have another conversation with me on Friday, 31 July.

I will then confirm the selected person’s place with the tour operator and pay the deposit. Once the operator confirms everything, you book your flights.

We meet in Tbilisi on the 8th of August or Mestia on the 9th of August.

Then we walk into the mountains and find out whether trusting the algorithm was a terrible idea.

*The guided eight-day trek is covered. You pay for flights, insurance, and expenses outside the tour.

“I'll write it down in the morning when I start working after doing my run, eating 50g of protein, and making a coffee with beans from Kenya”.

I go back to sleep, but wake up tired because of the insomnia. My morning is ruined, and the clever idea already moved on. I guess I am not creative after all.

The Shift

That was my thought process for most of my life. But last week I started breaking this pattern. I remembered what my dear friend Georgi told me.

Let's see if it works? I wanted to go back to sleep eventually, so I opted for my journal instead of my computer. The moment my pen hits the paper, ideas start flowing.

Next thing I know I am recording a reel. I am not optimising the script, the lighting, or the sound. Just me sitting half naked in the kitchen with the sleeping mask still on my face. I have no idea if I'll use it(plot twist…I will).

That gets me going, and I have two ideas for blog posts. Radical expression of love and life force multipliers. I don't even know what that means in the moment, but those two ideas started a process in my brain. More on that later.

I open up Chat GPT and start a stream of consciousness with it. Suddenly we are vibing, and I am coming up with mathematical models to explain why we should relentlessly keep asking “why” about every single thought and action in our lives.

All of this took me 30 minutes and zero effort. This would have been hours if I'd forced myself to come up with it after my 9 step morning routine.

I have an insane amount of energy flowing through me. Suddenly I think about someone special I wanted to send a message, but delayed it, because I did not want to come across needy.

I want to share the energy that is flowing through me. I am not playing any games, it is genuinely how I feel. I don't care that it's 5am in the morning or what I write might come across as needy. The stories I constructed in my head disappear. It feels freeing.

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The Price

There is no free lunch though. At the end of the day, I have a physical body, and that needs sleep. I cannot just flow through life indefinitely. Shout out to my brother Michael Sealey and his excellent sleep hypnosis. His latest video knocks me out after 10 minutes, and I manage to get a few hours of sleep.

But here is the catch about the 9 step morning routine. That routine is extremely valuable, but I was doing them for all the wrong reasons throughout my life.

They are helpful on the days when the muse is far away on a backpacking trip in Southeast Asia, and I am stuck in my cold Lisbon flat. The discipline and routine help me to stay connected to the physical world, and create the conditions for the muse to visit.

But I can't expect her to come on my watch. The best I can do is to set the table by getting in touch with myself. When she eventually comes over for dinner, I will have the place ready for her to thrive.

I imagine the love of my life is coming over for dinner. I make sure the lights are dimmed, the food is delicious, bake some dessert(taking into consideration her allergies…), light some candles, put on beautiful music and regulate my nervous system.

I will spend as much time as possible with her, and be fully present with what she has to say from her trips in faraway lands.

Eventually I let her go. I can't hold onto her, that would stiffen her power. She takes the morning flight to Brazil, and I try to make sense of the beautiful night we spent together.

I go back to my life. Take care of my body, integrate the experience and continue creating an environment where she wants to come back.

Final Words

All my life I thought I am not creative. I was envious of my friends who wrote poetry, created epic videos, wrote blog posts. I wished I could be them!

Turns out I just needed to let go of my desire to control every detail of my life with the most optimised solution a grifter was selling online.

The past 48 hours I wrote 5 articles. All flow through me, and I believe they are high quality, well thought out pieces. Everything feels effortless. I don't have to think about the next sentence, and I am making connections that leave me in disbelief.

It is such an unreal feeling. I suddenly have more ideas that I can act on.

I believe this works for you as well. You are incredibly creative. You may just need to stop demanding that creativity arrive on your schedule, and start creating a life it wants to visit.

After almost four years, I’m leaving Snag and I am quitting tech.

I first drafted this post in January 2026. I already felt the urge to venture out on my own, but lacked direction. Back then I wanted to escape being being a software developer. I could not cope with all the changes AI was bringing to tech.

But this changed at the beginning of June 2026. Suddenly it clicked! I am not the best software engineer. I don't care about algorithms, and beautiful solutions. I am a product developer at heart, who wants to use technology to solve big problems.

AI helps me focus on discovering problems and coming up with solutions to them. It’s with me throughout the whole product development lifecycle. Most importantly, it does the actual heavy-lifting.

What if I can keep doing content AND engineering at the same time? With AI, execution is incredibly cheap. Anyone can build a working prototype in an afternoon. But what's hard is distribution and knowing what to build.

AI is only as good as the human behind it and it can't fake authenticity. The deeper I go into the human experience through radical authenticity and being fully alive, the better my AI gets. The better my AI gets, the deeper I can go. It is a self-perpetuating loop.

That's the life I'm building towards. 2-4 hours of daily deep work leveraging the full power of AI and living with full presence offline. That's what feeds the machine and my soul.

I was hesitating to make the decision to quit. But over the past 6 weeks the opportunity pain of staying kept rising. It got to a point where I couldn't not quit.

The shift started with Loamkeep. An iOS app I built to promote intentional social media use while taking care of your body. There are quite a few other exciting projects on the horizon that I’ll share more about when the time is right.

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A round of love for the team

Snag has been a pivotal part of my journey as a product developer and human being. I learned so much about building distributed systems, but it was also a place that supported my self-exploration and my sometimes-unusual requests

I will be forever grateful for having the opportunity to work in this company and getting to know the people. I’m taking a piece of everyone on this team with me. Here is a round of appreciation for everyone I worked closely with.

Sufwan

He was always the one messaging me the second I broke the build, which happened quite often. He’s a talented engineer, always ready to jump on any bug.

I’ve watched him grow into genuinely challenging work over the years. He always has a smile on his face, and it does wonders for morale.

Muneeb

We worked closely for a few months, and I watched Muneeb grow so much in that time. He was eager for feedback and always came out the other side a better engineer.

He ended up owning a critical part of our product, and seeing that makes me proud. He’s a curious person, and we had many good chats between meetings.

Nick

I loved watching Nick grow into the Go-To-Market Lead role. When the previous lead left, he stepped in and crushed it.

But what I admire even more is his curiosity and drive to figure things out: he built an entire sales tool from scratch just to help himself do the job better. I’ll miss our chats about life, hiking, and personal growth.

Gio

Gio is a genuine person with a lot of love for everything he touches in life. He’s the team’s biggest cheerleader. The energy he brings to meetings and chats is contagious.

He’s the bridge between stuck clients and us engineers, and he inspires me with how he handles communication and how prompt he is with responses.

Gloria

Gloria brought much-needed structure to the organisation: making sure we actually got paid, setting up bug tracking, building sales funnels. The shift was real, and everyone noticed.

But my favorite thing was the games she introduced to the team. They helped me connect more deeply with the people I was working with. The energy she added was exactly what we were missing.

Haseeb

I’ve never met anyone with Haseeb’s skillset. He’s one of the smartest engineers I’ve worked with, and the human side of him is even more impressive.

His patience is remarkable: many times I couldn’t understand a problem, and he’d take the time to explain it in different ways until I did. A teammate I could always count on, and an absolute gem of a human being.

Nadav

Nadav is the first kick-ass designer I’ve worked with. One of a kind, with true attention to detail.

All those endless QA sessions paid off: I took the message of his craft to heart, and he made me a better product developer by teaching me what a good user experience is really worth.

We’re on similar journeys in life, and I admire his curiosity for new experiences across all areas in life.

Logan

The most cracked developer I’ve ever worked with. I stopped counting the engineering masterpieces he came up with.

For Logan there is always a way, and he doesn’t stop until the problem is solved, even if it means rewriting the entire backend in some obscure language overnight.

His intelligence shows up everywhere: he understands human behavior, economics, and has great intuition for business. He’s probably the reason I ended up AI-pilled. Thank you sir!

Rafal

One of my favorite people on the team. He is an inspiration on many levels. I will never forget the chat we had in NYC about parenthood. He looked tired, but deep down I could feel a profound appreciation and love for his family. That was the first seed planted in my head towards the potential future of being a father.

And the growth he underwent as a developer? Wow! He built beautiful solutions powering the heart of our product and he now owns an entire new product for the business. Doing this at a very high level!

Jason

He made me a better engineer, full stop. Snag was the first company I worked at with real scale, and he taught me so much about building distributed systems. He’s a wizard with architecture and anything touching a database, and he has a gift for simplifying the product.

As a person, he’s down to earth, delivers feedback with care, and is always there to help. We talked a lot about the digital nomad life and even met up for skiing in Switzerland. We resonate on a lot more than engineering.

Zach

Last, but definitely not least. Zach is an inspiration as a leader and as a salesperson. I remember sitting at the table in our Bushwick Airbnb during the NYC offsite, looking around and thinking — WOW!

He had an idea, started a company, and because of it, ten of us met and built something together. Deep down, I felt I wanted something like that for myself.

I admire his transparency: he shares the numbers, what’s happening with clients, and I always knew he’d give me honest feedback when I needed it.

On client calls, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation, but he handles it with respect. His ambition and ability to wear many hats are something to aspire to.

Thank you for trusting me so much.

Final words

Thank you again for the opportunity to be part of this journey. It wasn’t always frictionless, but that was never the point. It's about the people. It's always been and always will be. Snag is made up of world-class professionals and even better human beings.

I have no idea where I’ll end up, but I’ve never felt more excited about life. I’m not quitting tech. But I am done being just a software developer.

If you’re curious, follow along on Instagram or here on Substack.

This post was originally published on my first blog in January 2021. After my experience, I was recommending it to everyone. Well, that was naive. While it helped me tremendously, it can have consequences.

Recommending the brew to everyone without knowing their background is foolish. Drinking it will not solve any of your problems. It will open up doors, show you things, but it is your responsibility what you do with the information.

Part of me is curious to try it again, but I do not feel ready for it yet. It feels like I am still integrating the learnings from 5 years ago. It's that powerful.

I went on my first Ayahuasca retreat a few months ago, and it was the most magical week of my life. It was not easy, daunting at first, but oh boy, was it rewarding!

I want to share my story with you, as the medicine has a huge opportunity to change and elevate your life forever. Get comfortable, as this is going to be a long read!

Caveats

Before I jump into it, I have to share a few lines. While Ayahuasca has great potential, as always, there are some caveats to be made.

• Nothing in this article is medical advice. Please consult your doctor before embarking on an Ayahuasca retreat.

• Please read this article with an open mind. What I am going to share might not make any sense, even sound ridiculous. I had similar thoughts before, but Ayahuasca has proven me incorrect on so many levels.

• Ayahuasca became popular in the last years. With an uptick in demand, sneaky actors appear and attempt to profit from the situation. Finding a trusted retreat run by knowledgeable people guiding you through the journey will significantly impact your experience. It is better to pay extra than to compromise on quality.

• Ayahuasca is considered an illegal substance in most parts of the world. I am not advising you to break the law. I will tell my story from pre to post-retreat, and you can then decide for yourself if this is something you would be interested in trying. My goal is to create awareness and reveal how to take your life to the next level potentially.

What is Ayahuasca?

Ayahuasca --- also known as the tea, the vine, or la purga --- is a brew made from the leaves of the Psychotria Viridis shrub and the stalks of the Banisteriopsis caapi vine. Other plants and ingredients can be added as well(1).

The brew combines DMT, a powerful hallucinogenic chemical, and MAO inhibitors that allow the DMT to affect the central nervous system and lead to an altered state of consciousness.

Ayahuasca has been used in the Amazon for thousands of years for spiritual and religious purposes in ceremonies led by shamans or curanderos. It has made its way into the Western world in the last few decades, although because of the DMT, it is still classified as illegal in most countries.

Because the brew is so potent, it is highly recommended to take it in a controlled environment with a person who can safely guide the ceremony and help you to get the most out of this medicine.

What led me to the Ayahuasca retreat?

The image of drugs portrayed in the media is not pretty. Like most of us, I was living with the mentality that all drugs are dangerous and will inescapably destroy our lives. As a kid, I was afraid of ending up in the wrong circles and becoming an addict.

Later on, I kept hearing various stories about spiritual awakenings, healings from trauma, and giant breakthroughs in life after taking psychedelic substances. All of these were stories of people who greatly inspire me and who are quite successful. I got curious, and I started to learn more about this clandestine world.

I wanted to have my first encounter with psychedelics in a safe, controlled environment, as many things can go wrong. One does not know what will find inside their mind and how it will react to the discoveries. It can be scary.

I did not know what to look for, so I tossed the idea aside and kept going on with my life.

I met up with a friend for lunch in Mexico City back in February 2020, and I noticed he ordered vegan food. He told me that he is on a special diet because he is preparing for an Ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. This sounded exciting, so I immediately started to learn more about Ayahuasca.

After a while, it clicked. A retreat? With psychedelics? In a controlled environment? This seemed exactly what I was looking for!

After a few months of research and planning, I found a place that looked perfect for my first experience. I booked the retreat, and I started getting ready. Little did I know that my life is never going to be the same!

Two weeks before the retreat

Ayahuasca is powerful, and one has to treat it with respect. Lifestyle change is strongly advised starting at least two weeks before drinking the brew. I abstained from drinking alcohol, eating red meat, sex, coffee, citrus fruits, and lactose. Following the diet was relatively easy. I was eating lots of meat before, so the sudden change of flavors felt refreshing.

As the days were flying by, my anxiety was increasing noticeably. I started doubting myself. Was this because the removal of distractions allowed suppressed thoughts to surface? Or was it my fear of what I would see and my brain trying to protect me?

I began exploring these sensations. Most of them led to relationships with people I profoundly care(d) about. I was observing patterns of my behavior that limited me to live my life to the fullest. Fear of rejection, not being good enough, taking everything personally. I thought I was already over these feelings, but surprise, I had a lot of work to do!

Thus my intentions for the retreat have been born. Make peace with the past, release the blockages, and open my heart for what is yet to come.

The retreat

Settling in

I left Lisbon around 11:45 am and arrived at Coimbra train station 2 hours later. We got picked up, and after about a one-hour drive, we got to the retreat location. A beautiful Quinta, in the middle of nature. We were shown to our tents, dropped our stuff, and headed back for the introduction.

At this point, I was starving, as I skipped lunch. I asked one of the organizers when are we going to get food. He made all my hopes disappear, though: "Oh, there is no food until tomorrow morning, as we have the tobacco purge tonight." Great, we jump straight into it, I thought, as I kept walking, still hungry.

Introduction, day one

The introduction was held in the maloka(indigenous word for "house" or "cabin"), and we finally met our shaman, master Sanango. He talked about the upcoming days, the rules during the ceremonies and addressed our questions.

We needed to surrender all our electronics, as there was no place for external distractions. This was necessary in order to focus solely on showing up and doing the inner work. The notion of time ceased to exist and got replaced by bongs and approximations.

The silence between us began, and off we went to the tobacco purge.

Tobacco purge

This served as a preparation to enter the world of Ayahuasca. "It is the act of letting go, defecating and/or vomiting, cleaning ourselves from the unnecessary, from toxins accumulated in our body, from feelings of suffering, beliefs, and ideas that do not serve neither to our physical, mental nor spiritual being." The vomiting symbolizes the release of our armors to be more receptive to the teachings of the master plants.

Each of us received a bucket, lots of water, and a glass with the tobacco brew inside. We were told to finish the pitch of water, drink the tobacco, and continue drinking more water while aiming for the bucket.

I never vomited so much in such a short period of time! But it was worth it! I felt an immense sense of peace, openness and had incredibly vivid dreams later on. I started to feel that this is going to be an incredible journey, and we were just getting started.

Kambo, day two

Around 7:30 am, we got woken up for the first Kambo cleanse, named after the poisonous secretions of the giant monkey frog or Phyllomedusa bicolor. This was optional, but I signed up for it, as I wanted to get the full experience. I did not do a lot of research about it. To be honest, it was just an innocent checkbox during the booking process.

I was the first to be given the medicine, and I quickly became anxious, not knowing what to expect. Based on the bucket near me, I was pretty sure it is going to involve more vomiting. Great way to start your morning, right?

Slowly the medicine started to enter my body through the three dots burned on my skin. My heart started racing, my head pulsing, and I felt extremely nauseous. But I could not throw up.

I started to question myself again. Why can't I rent a car, drive along the coast, and have an ordinary vacation that I enjoy? Why am I torturing myself? What is wrong with me?

After a while, it started to come out. It was painful and lasted for about ten minutes. I was relieved that it was over, and I felt a sense of clarity like never before.

And now finally time for breakfast, after a day of fasting and cleansing. The only catch? I had an extremely sore throat from the Kambo and had a hard time swallowing. Nevertheless, it felt great to recharge my body.

Leading up to the night

The rest of the day went by peacefully and in silence as we prepared for the first ceremony. I had no idea what to expect or how powerful it is going to be.

Have you ever camped in a massive rainfall? It is not the most pleasant experience, and it definitely makes falling asleep harder. Add to this the rising levels of anxiety about what's going to happen, and no good sleep is guaranteed. Probably the worst way to go into an unknown and potentially scary world.

I secretly hoped that the ceremony would be canceled given the rain, and I would not need to do it. But that not how this works, and we eventually got woken up.

Twelve people, all dressed in white, walking quietly at 1:00 am in the rain towards the maloka to do a sacred ceremony involving master plants from the Amazon, a shaman from Peru, and all of us expecting massive revelations? It sounds like a cult from the outside, right?

I asked Ayahuasca to be gentle. I wanted to heal but did not want to get scared right at the beginning. Then Sanango arrived, repeated the rules, and reassured us that we would not go crazy. He wished us a beautiful ceremony and started pouring the brew.

Ayahuasca, trip number one

That's it. I am next in line. Shit starts to get real. My anxiety is through the roof as I am walking down the aisle to get the brew. I went back to my seat, laid down, and closed my eyes. All I wanted was a soft trip.

I did not feel much until getting a second cup. I even fell asleep once. After 20 minutes or so, it started to kick in. I was floating underwater, with random objects hovering around me. There were subtle scary things, but nothing serious.

I got teleported into different situations from the past. I realized those particular events were hurting me and were not allowing me to live up to my full potential. I saw people and how their behaviors, opinions, and words were haunting me subconsciously. I was not angry at all. I felt a sense of relief, peace and I decided it is time to move on.

I got the sign that everything is going to be all right and I should not worry about the future so much. Wanting to live an unconventional life? Having meaningful relationships? Building products? It is all possible, given I focus my energy on the right things.

The night finished with a girl and me swimming upwards, becoming one when meeting on the surface. I woke up calm, full of love, and being grateful for the beautiful experience. And this was just the beginning!

Rest and recover

We had two days to relax and try to process the experience until the next one. While I had a mild trip, there were quite a few people with intense, crazy stories. We are all very different, so it makes a lot of sense.

After the sharing circle was over, we were allowed to break the silence and get to know each other. There were no barriers between us at that time. Going through hell and heaven together definitely helped them dismantle.

Ayahuasca, the second trip

The day looked pretty much the same. Kambo in the morning, preparing for the night and rest before taking off.

I knew it is going to be more powerful this time. After having a good first encounter, I told Mother Ayahuasca that I feel ready for the full experience.

I began by alternating between multiple dimensions, and random objects were floating around again. Scary figures were hanging out in the bottom dimensions, with the joyous ones being higher up. I tried to ignore the uncomfortable beings and wanted to get to the fun ones. I was being pushed down over and over though.

I realized that I have to face them. They were limiting me! I became inviting, curious and wanted them to show me more. But they never did! As soon as I have embraced them, I was able to move around as I wished. I faced my fears, and I got liberated.

That was when Sanango invited us for a second cup, and I wanted more. I wanted to go deeper. Going there was a challenge as everything was revolving around me.

I looked back to see what "others" were thinking, but no one cared! Everyone was immersed in their own world. So I decided to fly. One thing led to another, I put my hands into my pants, and I formed a triangle. I suddenly felt strongly connected to my masculine side. And oh boy! I got transported to an unreal place.

I saw myself as a white beam of light, flying in the universe at a crazy speed. I was able to see inside my brain and experience firsthand how it was interpreting and reacting to the music. I could not believe what was going on!

I observed limiting concepts dissolving in space; comparison, judgment, material things. Nothing mattered. It was just me and the neverending universe. I did not want to wake up. It was unprecedented. I kept telling myself: "What is this?", "This is unreal", "This is magic", "Am I alive?".

Suddenly, a feeling of empathy washed over me. I saw people, all in their own bubbles, fighting their own fights, showing up in numerous ways. Then it clicked! We all see the world through very distinct lenses, expressing ourselves in different ways and bringing our own emotional baggage into the process of doing so. Most of us have good intentions with our actions, even though the ideas we put across might look flawed.

I remember another significant conversation with her. I told her that I do not want to be sick. She simply said, "then don't be." I never purged that night. Often, sickness comes out of our minds because of too much stress and anxiety.

All good things come to an end, right? At that point, it did not feel like that is accurate, and I started to freak out. I wanted to wake up! It felt too good to be true. I genuinely believed that I've gone crazy. I started doing math and writing code in my head, trying to help others, opening my eyes. Anything to get back to "reality." It worked up to an extent, but the visions did not want to end for a long time.

When they eventually did, I was the first to leave the maloka. I wanted to feel the "real" world. I could not grasp what the heck has just happened. I felt that I had enough, I got the full experience, my spirit woke up, and my work here is done! I was ready to go home and apply the learnings. But Mother Ayahuasca had a different plan for me.

The final trip

Before embarking on the last Ayahuasca ceremony, we had a chance to talk privately with Sanango. I wanted to use this opportunity to understand where the resistance at the end of the last session came from. He had a straightforward answer: "A lot of the times, we fail to accept the good things life grants us." I then decided to surrender to the medicine completely later that night.

I slept relatively well, spending a quiet evening around my tent in the hammock. I felt connected with nature and let the autumn breeze sweep through my body. I was ready.

My anxiety started to kick in as soon as Sanango arrived, and I saw the bottles. I felt disgusted by thinking about the taste of the brew. It gets worse the more you drink it. When my turn was up, I got the end of the bottle, full of particles, tasting like earth.

I started out wandering in nature, surrounded by subtle scary silhouettes. I was more gentle with them this time, inviting them to come along the ride. But they refused, disappearing as soon as I faced them!

I was walking in a stunning forest, arriving at a camp with beautiful flowers shortly after. There was a girl with me. We felt childish and were running barefoot in nature. We ended up having sex, and that was the most amazing feeling ever! I felt that we became one, two souls united together. I again felt like a white beam of lights, but this time I was not alone.

Sanango invited us for a second cup. However, I saw a clear NO coming from somewhere, that I should stay put and enjoy the ride. I did not need more. I felt cozy, with my hands on my heart and my soul dancing to the music.

It was time to lay down and fully surrender. An abundance of emotions washed over me. Love, euphoria, satisfaction, empathy, serenity, just to name a few. I felt the medicine flowing through my body and healing my wounds I was not even aware of. My heart finally opened!

I saw myself caring for everyone in the room, working on their problems. I realized that this is not OK. I should not fight other people's battles. I am carrying way too much weight on my shoulders, which interferes with my way of being and living.

I was able to control my body in unreal ways. Whenever an urge to vomit or go to the bathroom arose, I calmed my mind down and stayed with the feeling. After a while, they went away. I've realized that what we put into our minds and bodies directly correlates with how we feel and behave. I saw sad animals staring at me, got clear signs to connect more with nature and to take care of my body and the planet.

An unconventional thought popped into my head suddenly. I wanted to turn upside down and see the experience from a different angle. After changing direction, I was reborn and a child again, moving my whole body to the songs, singing along silently, laughing, and feeling exuberant.

The night turned into morning, and we started waking up. I felt happy, healed, and a radically different person - a man at peace.

Aftermath

It's been a few months since the bliss at Sinchi Runa ended. The retreat is only the awakening. It will not solve all problems magically. The process of integration, nurture, and awareness is equally important. I wanted to take the lessons and apply them to my day-to-day life.

Top five learnings

Most of my takeaways are not that special, and you might have heard of them already. I definitely did before. However, I never fully internalized them. Now it got down to the cellular level.

These are only a few of what I discovered during the ceremonies, there is much more, and I did not even process everything yet. The amount of information you get while working with Ayahuasca is incomprehensible.

1. Surrender, experience life as it is, and let go of things that don't serve you anymore. By attaching myself to the past, I set expectations of how I should feel and behave in the present moment. Life is a neverending evolution, and we need to adapt to it. I want to experience as it unfolds and change accordingly.

2. Stop worrying so much about the future. You are on the right path. I tend to get stressed out in my day-to-day life and forget about the power of compound interest. I can get anything I want, given that I take steps towards it every day, set my mind up for growth, and surround myself with the right people. Worry less, be more present.

3. You carry other people's problems on your shoulders. This one struck me! I am always in problem-solving mode, and I especially loved solving other people's challenges. Solving your problems for you would be unfair and probably not even possible. What worked for me might not work for you. I can not fight your battles. You have to show up and do the work yourself. I will be your biggest supporter for sure, but I will stay out of the arena.

4. Focus on the beauty and grit of each individual. People show up in their own ways, and chances are, no one has an agenda to hurt me. What I am taking personally is probably only a result of ignorance, fear, misunderstanding, or a combination of all.

5. Magic awaits once you can overcome the limiting beliefs. After I faced my fears, I got transported into whole new dimensions, ones that were far more intense, thought-provoking, and beautiful than what I was used to.

How my life changed?

• I feel calmer. Thanks to, or because of this, I can meditate much longer. I regularly do 30 minutes sessions, while before, I could barely sit for 10 minutes. And the sessions became more rewarding as well.

• I eat mostly a vegetarian diet. I will not put labels on myself, and I will eat meat for sure, but it will not be so at the center of my intake as before.

• I stopped watching porn.

• I am more present. I want to focus on the people and experiences around me without worrying much about the future or past. I want to live life to the fullest.

• I feel more confident, ready for standing up for myself and the world.

• I try to live with an open heart, inviting the world around me into my life. We miss out on so many opportunities and meaningful connections just because we like hanging out in our own little bubbles.

• I feel more conscious and self-aware. What I put into my mind and body, separating myself from my thoughts, recognizing other people's efforts, to name a few.

• I stopped agonizing over my day-to-day life and shifted my focus on the long term. As long as I live according to my values and take daily steps in the right direction, I am alright.

Conclusion

Taking the medicine is only the first step; the real work starts after. It can open our eyes, but its effects are not going to last long without continuous nurturing.

Ayahuasca will take you on a journey that you will never forget. The amount of information you will receive will take months, if not years, to process and integrate. You will bump into obstacles along the ride, but do not worry. That is normal, and you will be fine.

Ayahuasca is powerful, so one has to treat her with respect. Follow the diet, find a safe space to take the medicine, and open your mind. Without respect, it can easily backfire.

Ayahuasca changed my life for the better, and I will continue to work with the medicine moving forward as well. If you are interested, want to hear more about my experience, or share yours, please reach out to me.

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A wedding of dear friends where the energy is overflowing with joy and connection, a near-death experience on a high mountain mission, or simply an insightful book that spoke to my soul. All transported me to an elevated state of consciousness, stretching the boundaries of what I thought was possible.

These moments don't last forever, and eventually I am bound to return to Earth. After the tantra immersion, the shift hit harder than I expected.

I tried to settle into my usual routine, but there was doubt. Work felt like an incredible effort. I doubted my decision to have a home base. The trip to Pakistan I was excited about no longer felt right. I was craving different food. It was as if the old version of me did not fit the present, but the new one hadn't arrived yet.

This is the time when transformation takes place. I have a chance to redefine how I live, and incorporate the learnings into my day-to-day life. In scientific terms, this is when neuroplasticity takes place.

Think of a snowy mountain. Every time you walk a trail, the snow gets packed down. When new snow comes, old paths get covered. You are free to wander in new directions, packing down entirely new paths. New experiences offer a chance to reshape how you think and behave.

Peak experiences are incredible, and for a long time I was chasing them relentlessly. They are a great way to escape the present moment. If I could go to that country, I would feel happy. If only I could do one more meditation retreat, all my problems would vanish. I made this mistake before.

Pursuing highs without integration is a trap, and I was getting addicted to the process. I was grasping at moments. I had a hard time letting the experience go and appreciating it for what it was. I wanted it to last forever! And in the process, I was ready to give up other parts of my life that I loved.

Recently, something shifted, and I noticed the change after the tantra immersion I mentioned above. It was one of the most beautiful and emotional three days of my life, yet I was ready to move on.

Coming back to the valley in Switzerland felt like returning home. I was so excited to be back near the mountains, to get serious about writing, live with more openness, and spend time with loved ones.

How does integration look for me?

Reflection on the peak experience. Journaling, meditation, and talking to loved ones help me reflect. How did I feel during the high? Were there any challenges I faced? What are some new perspectives? How will the new information I received shape my life?

I find it helpful talking to people who went through similar events. Certain things can only be understood if experienced.

What can I apply to my daily life? To change many things at once feels overwhelming. If I can take away only one thing, that's already a success.

I had an addiction to 9gag a few years ago, but after the trip to Kyrgyzstan, I never opened it again. I started to assume that everyone has good intentions after my ayahuasca experience. I recognised the importance of holistic health after the outdoor education course in New Zealand.

Beyond the joy, peak experiences give me information. I get temporary access to my subconscious, and observe the stories I am telling myself. Stories about my identity, limiting beliefs, and things I am holding onto.

Awareness in itself does not change me, but opens a door. Integration is the space where the real work happens, where awareness slowly turns into embodiment.

I’ve started being careful with how many doors I open. Going from peak to peak can become a trap, and the fastest way to overload and confuse my nervous system.

I try to leave time to take care of myself and the emotions that surface after an experience. Just like my body needs rest after intense training, my mind also needs grounding after being stretched by the highs.

Closing thoughts

Not every experience has to be as intense as ayahuasca or near-death to change us. Sometimes it's a conversation, a short meditation, or a walk in the forest. What matters isn't intensity, but presence. Presence is the doorway into altered states, and it's always available, without needing to travel to the other side of the world.

The highs shows me what is possible. Integration is choosing how I walk the trail once the snow has settled. And for now, life itself is enough.

What about you? Is there something in your life asking to be integrated?

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I was confused by the meaning of these words for a long time. I used to roll my eyes every time I heard the world alignment. It sounded like hippie jargon, and I wasn't able to understand its importance. Until I started getting glimpses of it, and suddenly everything made sense.

It was just a few months ago when I was able to connect the dots for the first time. I was walking home after dinner with a friend. We had some incredible conversations, I was able to fully express myself, and the whole evening was flowing. I was in a great mood, listening to music and moving with the rhythm of the city.

My mind was overflowing with possibilities, I felt open and in awe of the sheer opportunity of existence on Earth. As I was walking, a beautiful piano song caught my attention, and instantly drew me in. I stood there taking it all in, and when the artist was done, I walked up to him.

I expressed my gratitude for the beautiful music he was playing, and I asked for his PayPal. We ended up chatting for 10 minutes. He had a tender energy, and in that moment I felt really connected to him.

He is from India, and has been playing instruments since he was a kid. He was saving up for a hiking trip. We exchanged numbers, and I offered him a place to stay if he ever decides on another trip to Switzerland.

Nice tale, but why do I mention it in a post about alignment? This encounter felt like the finishing touch to a great evening. I was reminded how beautiful these random encounters are.

To be part of someone's story, even if it's only for five minutes. All of this was possible because for a change, I was not caught up with my thoughts. I was present, instead of busy with the stories in my mind. Following my curiosity, instead of thinking about what I have to do next.

When I feel in tune with myself, resistance disappears. The decisions I make feel right, there is no more second guessing. Ideas flow without me doing anything particular. I have the courage to express myself, and trust that it is going to be okay. Fear is still there, but it is much more quiet, not running the show for once.

It doesn’t last forever, at least I am still far from that stage. I was quick to come back to baseline the next day, where the mind is loud and presence feels unattainable.

It's not a problem though. Maybe it's not a constant state of mind, but one where I get invited back. Through stillness, presence and doing what feels right.

It was not the first time I experienced the above, but the first time I noticed what it is. Since then, I have been able to observe it in real time, and embrace the beauty when it comes.

While on the train back home, during an incredible outing in the mountains with one of my best friends or an evening walk near the place I live. Sometimes it lasts for a few minutes, other times for a few hours, or on rare occasions, for days!

The common theme is always a deep appreciation for life, creative energy waiting to be expressed and a feeling of oneness with the universe.

This post is part of that energy wanting to come alive. Putting these thoughts into writing helps me make sense of the experience. Maybe it resonates, or maybe it does not. Either way, that's perfectly fine. But it feels real for me, and that's the only place I can speak from.

What does alignment mean to you? Could you recognise the feeling I was trying to convey in this post? When you felt more you than usual, without trying? I'd love to hear your story!

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I have a tattoo on my arm saying “time is limited”. I have seen friends’ projects failing because they waited too long. I got many reminders from life during the years about this message. Yet I have never understood it fully up until the tantra immersion a few weeks ago. More on that another time, but I believe this idea is worth a separate post.

Take this blog as an example. Before the retreat in Cologne, I wanted the launch to be flawless. Have a few posts already written, so there is less pressure to write when it's live. Have the perfect design ready. I felt anxious, what am I going to write about? Yeah, I have ideas, but will they keep flowing?

The result of all of this was being stuck. I was too afraid to go live, because that would mean I might fail. I wanted to control the outcome in order to shield myself from failing.

The reality? By waiting for the “right moment”, I was not making any progress. In my mind, the project was already growing. Big, successful, resonant. But it only existed in imagination. There, everything is possible, and the risk of failure is zero.

Doing a reality check, in this case posting, threatens the persona I am in my head. I want to be seen as a person who articulates well, people resonate with my writing, and I might even make income out of it.

Publishing something, and coming back to Earth is risky. It posed a threat. What if the author in my head dies? That would be unfortunate. He is such an awesome guy, right?

It is a bit like standing at the bottom of the mountain, dreaming of the summit, but not moving. Because the path is long and exhausting. And maybe, just maybe, I won't make it.

Thanks to some insights at the retreat, I decided to take the first step. I quickly wrote a post on the train back to Switzerland, and hit publish a few days later. No drafts ready to go live after, the website being basic, and I had no idea what the next posts will be about.

But as soon as I took the first step, an energy started to come alive, one that was not there before. Suddenly ideas started flowing. I could focus on writing, and I kept showing up. The writer's block still visited, but did not overstay. I stopped focusing on the summit, and started enjoying the path ahead.

I might never meet the person I had in my mind, but that should not be the goal. I want to keep climbing, go on side-quests along the way, and most importantly, enjoy the process.

How did tantra help me to embody this lesson? We talked a lot about presence, and observing what feelings arise in us in any given moment. I’ve noticed that I have a tendency towards waiting with taking action. I want to be able to control the outcome, in a way that is comfortable for me. I forget to stay with the present moment. I put things off for another time, when circumstances will be more suitable to my liking. But that time rarely comes.

Suddenly I saw this pattern popping up in so many areas of my life. Love, waiting too much with taking the first step. Work, polishing that feature forever, until there are no bugs. Life, being on standby until a condition is met. That night I walked home emotionally exhausted, I’ve never felt this way.

The next day I decided to break this pattern, and started working with the situation that was in front of me. The outcome was totally different to how I imagined in my head, but equally powerful. Life was flowing, and for the first time I was ready to let go resisting it.

There are things that I read about or hear from friends, but can't grasp until I go through it myself. It is fascinating, sometimes I wish I could learn from other people's mistakes. I guess that's not how life works, and this makes it even more interesting.

What's something you’ve been putting off, but secretly wish to start? Is it opening up to someone? Starting a business? Quitting a job that's slowly killing your soul? Putting on the running shoes, and going outside? Whatever it is, don't blame yourself for feeling stuck. It is human. But I encourage you to take that first step. That's when the energy starts to move. And that, I promise you, is a magical feeling.

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The moment I hit publish last Sunday, the anxiety started to kick in. Man, it's been 10 minutes, and not a single sign-up? My inbox is not exploding with messages about my post? Did I write something stupid? Was it confusing to post on Instagram, but then expect people to subscribe on an external website? Is the subscribe button even visible? I shouldn't have posted on a Sunday afternoon, how stupid of me. On and on it went for another hour at least. I was having “fun”, as you could see.

I even started criticising myself about other parts of my life, totally unrelated to the post I had just shared. Why did I push myself so much during the run? How did I think that was an acceptable thing to say to someone I just met? What am I doing with my life?

But then I managed to catch myself. Wait a minute, what am I doing here? This is spiralling, and overthinking at its finest. Yes, it's vulnerable to share my thoughts online, but why do I feel so much pressure? There is no lion chasing me, and my life isn't in danger. Not even close. I’ve wanted to share my thoughts for a long time, it feels in alignment with the person I am, so what's the issue here?

It feels scary to be vulnerable. I often feel alone before opening up. I believe I’m the only one having these thoughts. With people in physical space, it feels a bit easier. We can support each other, I can feel their presence and we already have a connection.

Online is a whole different story. When I hit publish, I was alone in my apartment and it felt like standing naked in the middle of the city centre. I had no idea who was looking at me, what they were thinking or if I was being stupid for doing this.

It was fascinating to experience how much the ego can shape our reality. Even though hitting publish was a full-body yes, when it actually happened, the ego stepped in. My true self wanted to express itself, yet the ego had other plans. It wanted validation at all costs, and when the expected praise did not come, it went into a full-blown attack.

After an hour of continuous refreshing, I managed to step away and give my brain a break. I danced a bit, cooked dinner, and read a book. Finally the ego started to quiet down, and another voice emerged. I suddenly felt a sense of satisfaction for having the courage to share my thoughts and be vulnerable. I was grateful to the five people who subscribed. A few friends gave me feedback and congratulated me on taking the leap.

I felt content for coming out of the shadows. I promised myself I'd continue writing, checked my email one more time and went to sleep.

So here I am, showing up again, despite the stories my mind keeps making up to protect me. Naming what I felt is part of starting something new. It is scary, messy, and full of uncertainty. Maybe you’ve felt this too. The butterflies in your stomach before expressing yourself. The silence after the leap. If so, this one is for you too.

Thanks for walking with me. I’ll keep going, one post at a time.

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I have a rich inner world, and I discover something new every single day. Every time, I am in awe. How did I not notice this beautiful thing during 30 years of existence? Often, it is hard to express with words. The container does not feel right, people do not resonate with it, or my thoughts go in many directions. What makes sense in my head might sound like complete nonsense to you.

So here I am, starting a new experiment. I will share posts about what feels alive in me at any given moment. Writing and sharing publicly helps me clarify my thoughts. That is already success. If even one person, maybe you, feels seen because of it, that is a beautiful bonus.

I chose the name Robert Listens because the inspiration for the posts will come from inside. Think of journal entries that make sense, at least for me. Some posts will be only a few hundred words, some maybe thousands. I do not know yet.

I stopped sharing my writing five years ago, and I felt like a failure for a long time. The desire to write never left me, but I never made it a priority. Today, I look back at my past self with admiration for having the courage to express his thoughts.

I wanted the launch to be perfect. The right landing page, at least ten posts ready, a beautiful design. But I realised it would never happen if I waited for all the stars to align. I want to release this from my mind and see where it leads.

While my inner world feels rich, so does everyone else's, including yours. We all have a story that is fascinating in its own way. Full of desires, fears, joy, tears, hope, grief. The complexity of human consciousness fascinates me, and I live to witness your story. That is the second reason why I chose the name Robert Listens.

I want to listen to what is alive in you, to hold space if you need it or to share in your joy. I want to learn from you. My life is built from lego pieces you all have shared with me. Some are bigger, like the memory of exploring Kyrgyzstan or living together for one year in Stockholm. Some are more subtle, like the way I make my morning coffee or cook eggs. Thank you for every single block you added to my life.

Whether this is my first or last post, time will tell. But if you want to follow along, I invite you to subscribe and we will find out together. That is it for now.

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We woke up at 6 a.m., packed our bags, and set off by 7 a.m. to beat the rain. After a demanding five-hour descent, we paused briefly to hydrate and grab a quick bite. The moment my backpack hit the ground, Adam, our head instructor, declared, “Okay, everyone, compasses out --let’s shoot a bearing.”

This snapshot effectively encapsulates the intensity of our three-month outdoor education program. Whenever we were not tramping or climbing rocks, we practiced what we had learned during class: tying knots, studying the native fauna and flora, and figuring out how to find our way in the backcountry.

If fortunate, we would have one rest day a week to recharge. Intense? Absolutely. Worth it? Unquestionably. This was one of the most meaningful investments I have made in myself. Let’s dig in.

What was I up to?

At the start of 2022, I began to reconsider my career as a developer. I wanted a role that was physical, including human interaction and nature. One thing led to another, and by June, I had enrolled in a three-month adventure guide course in Queenstown, New Zealand for the fall of 2022. Working as a mountain guide sounded like exactly what I was looking for.

We predominantly spent our days rock climbing and tramping, with a brief introduction to swift water rescue and a week devoted to pre-hospital emergency care. Each module got progressively more challenging, enriching our skill set substantially. I transitioned from having little to no experience in rock climbing to cleaning anchors, abseiling, and even some lead climbing. We started with easy day hikes in the first week and escalated to bush-bashing on technical terrains by the fourth week.

The last three weeks were all about engaging with real clients, practicing our leadership skills, and preparing for the final assessments--heaps of learning in the span of three months.

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Pre-program

In the weeks leading up to my departure, I shifted my intention from seeking a new career to embracing whatever experiences would come my way. I anticipated a wave of new impressions, considerable time spent in nature, and a physically demanding journey. I knew that there would be more to this program than finding a new occupation; personal growth would be equally, if not more, significant than mastering outdoor skills.

After two days of travel, I arrived in Queenstown just in time for the course to begin. Fueled by an open mind and abundant energy, I was eager for the months ahead. The last time I felt this level of excitement was when I moved to Sweden in 2017. I thought I was ready -- or so I believed.

Embracing discomfort

Picture this: twelve strangers in their mid-twenties, one house, seven bedrooms, and communal living spaces. For the next three months, we are going to live and spend most of our waking time together. Efficiency is key, so we form cooking groups to stretch our limited budget. I am in a country at the other end of the world. There are gonna be lots of new stimuli. Outside, winter persists. I will forgo personal space for months, and to top this up, I am fighting jet lag and my sleep is a hot mess.

I will never forget the early mornings when I woke up at 5 a.m., and my thoughts were going into dark places. I had not felt anxiety at that intensity in ages. It seemed as if all the comforts of my previous life ,  habits, close ones, motivation , had vanished.

But instead of succumbing to these thoughts, I confronted them. I named each one in my journal and came up with a solution. It made me feel better for a few hours, but the day began, and my mind felt chaotic again. Yet, I did not resist it. I decided to go with the flow, expect nothing, and let the present guide me. I welcomed the uncertainty, allowing space for whatever would come, and simply rolled with it.

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The first few weeks

It took me some time to acclimate to both the group and the program. Various excuses preoccupied my mind, questioning my presence: “I am too old for this group”, “I have nothing in common with these people”, and “Why start from scratch when I already have a fulfilling life?” These thoughts would persistently surface.

Fortunately, each time these doubts arose, I managed to center myself in the present moment. I reminded myself that I was reevaluating my career, grateful for this opportunity, and committed to maximizing these three months.

Over time, this mindset worked. I began to relax, lowered my guard, and was showing up as my authentic self.

A glimpse into a typical week

Each week alternated between climbing and hiking modules. We would depart from our Queenstown base on Monday mornings(occasionally leaving on Sunday to capitalize on favorable weather) and return by Friday afternoons.

Preparation for hiking weeks was intense. Weekends were devoted to planning the trek, choosing camping locations, and crafting meal plans. Sundays were usually consumed by this planning.

My alarm rang at 6 a.m., and after a quick breakfast, we were off to the trek’s starting point. Daily walks lasted 6--10 hours, and nights were spent in either tents or mountain huts. On-the-go education was constant, covering local fauna and flora, map reading, and compass use; each of us taking turns serving as the lead guide.

Despite having little background in overnight backpacking, I thoroughly enjoyed it. The experience of carrying a heavy backpack, rationing food, and being in pristine nature with a like-minded group was incredible. I knew I wanted more of this in my life.

Climbing weeks were primarily spent in Wānaka, one of New Zealand’s prime rock-climbing spots. Days began at the crag and lasted until late afternoon. While the climbing was a focal point, our instructors also emphasized safety and rope skills, ranging from setting up top ropes to mastering various knots and hitches.

Personally, the climbing modules posed a steeper learning curve. It took some time to feel comfortable with climbing and even longer to master the rope skills. Nonetheless, I am pleased with my progress, especially considering my lack of initial experience. Climbing is a foundational outdoor skill, and I am confident it will come in handy in my future mountaineering endeavours.

Group dynamics

When you throw 12 strangers together in a shared house for 3 months, lots of interesting things can happen. Fortunately, I would say we did pretty well. For starters, we did not kill each other, and that’s a win! Jokes aside, this experience offered valuable insights for all of us.

Accepting people

There is a famous quote that says “You can not choose your family, but you can choose your friends”. Our group was like a family for three months, and the best outcome for all of us was to accept everyone as they were. By complaining about a given behavior, especially behind someone’s back, one only wastes their energy and creates tension.

I adopted a fundamental belief a few years ago: people generally aim to do the right thing. Malice is rarely intentional. They are doing their best in that moment, and that’s alright. If I disagree, I can and should express my thoughts. However, I shouldn’t expect an immediate change. The only thing I have control over is my perspective on the matter.

If an issue becomes substantial enough, more voices will join the feedback loop, hopefully leading to self-reflection. Failing that, involving additional decision-makers is always an option.

I advocate for respecting each individual’s strengths and weaknesses, accepting them as they are, and employing nonviolent communication to navigate differing viewpoints. At times, agreeing to disagree is the best path forward. If everyone had the same thoughts, the world would be a dull place to exist in.

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Takeaways

Appreciating what I have

I journaled a lot during this time. One of my favorite activities was waking up early, heading to the local coffee shop, opening up Notion on my phone, and jotting down thoughts. I had plenty to think about, given all the new experiences and the stunning nature around me. I quickly realised that what I have built up over the years is pretty darn good.

My core values are community, agency, and health. I am already living by these by having awesome friends, a profession that not only allows me to exercise my agency but also is mentally stimulating, and I put a strong focus on my well-being. So, what is missing?

I am still working this one out; it is a tough question. One theory that has crossed my mind is a lack of commitment -- trying to do everything. It has worked so far, given my youth. To really figure out what you want in life, you’ve got to dabble in different areas.

I feel like I am starting to nail down the direction I want to go in. Outdoor adventures, writing, photography, health, impactful work, and surrounding myself with kind people --these three months have allowed me to think deeply about my interests and narrow down the long list to the items that I value the most.

I am ready to dive into new projects, team up with smart folks, and tackle some fun challenges. Whether it is in wellness, education, the outdoors, or the Web3 space, I am looking for projects that resonate with my core values.

Nature in my backyard makes me happy

There is something special about being out in the bush. The sounds of the birds, the scent of the plants, and the glorious peaks make me feel at peace. I love walking in the forest, climbing up hills, and enjoying the simplicity of repetitive meals in nature.

Time in the woods teaches me to appreciate life’s basics: dry clothes, rudimentary shelter, and a warm meal after a long day’s trek. After each week of tramping, returning to civilisation feels surreal. Suddenly, we have a plethora of choices -- no need to ration food, the ability to indulge in fresh produce, and the luxury of sleeping on a proper mattress! These are things we often take for granted. Backpacking resets this perspective, making me grateful for the comforts of modern living.

Cell phone reception was nonexistent during our excursions, so my phone served solely as a camera. No social media, emails, or news updates. This disconnection allowed me to fully engage with my surroundings and the people I was with.

I yearn for more of these outdoor experiences. I feel happy and at peace whenever I am outdoors. The challenge lies in incorporating them into my life on a larger scale and finding like-minded people to share these adventures with.

Being OK with missing out

I mentioned briefly that I want to do it all: learn every sport, read all the books, and live in a new place every few months. While this is doable, it’s also exhausting and keeps me at a superficial level. Excelling in a sport, nurturing deep relationships, and gaining comprehensive knowledge in a subject all demand focus.

I am inherently curious, which fuels my desire to learn about everything. However, I am now choosing to concentrate on a few areas for deeper development. My primary focus going forward will be on nurturing existing friendships, becoming proficient in mountain activities like backcountry skiing, mountaineering, and backpacking, and growing as a developer.

Rather than adding more to my life, I will consider what I can eliminate. Removing elements that no longer serve me feels incredibly freeing.

Embracing failure

Little did I know that the program’s conclusion would offer one of its most valuable lessons: the importance of embracing failure, learning from it, and ceasing to compare myself to others.

Grasping new concepts usually requires time and repetition for me. This was no different in rock climbing. From struggling with knots to overcoming my fear of heights and finally learning to instruct clients, the challenges were numerous.

Seeing my mates’ rapid progress fueled my self-doubt. What if I fail the final exam? I worked extra hard practicing all the systems, improving my technique, and preparing extensively for the final test. Although my hard work led to strong performance on most of the exam, two mistakes cost me the certificate. Hearing the assessor declare my failure was a blow to my ego. The question “How could I possibly fail?” reverberated in my mind.

It did not help that, among the 20 of us, I was the only one who failed. Walking into the final dinner, where everyone else celebrated their success, was difficult. I felt stupid, isolated, and reluctant to talk about my failure. It was also our last night together, and the next day I would be closing this chapter of my life.

I held back my emotions all day, eagerly awaiting a moment to be alone and release them. When the three of us got home earlier that night, I could no longer hold back and tears started to flow. Both of my friends were incredibly supportive, and their presence helped me express my feelings.

This failure served as a profound lesson in the value of dedication and the significance of the journey over the destination. While I may not have earned the certificate, it does not negate the skills I have gained and the progress I made in rock climbing. No one can take that away from me.

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Reflections on Pure Exploration

This post wouldn't not be complete without discussing Pure Exploration, the New Zealand-based company that organised the trip. They have over five years of experience running tours primarily in New Zealand, with additional excursions in Nepal, Patagonia, and Europe.

The program itself is stellar, offering invaluable personal development, outdoor skills, and opportunities for making lifelong memories. However, like many businesses, Pure Exploration faced significant challenges during the pandemic. This led to problematic management decisions including not informing participants of program cancellations, refusing refunds when courses were dropped, and admitting participants with pre-existing health conditions only to abandon them later.

Additional concerns included a meagre $46 per person food budget for five days, transportation issues to/from our PHEC course, and client days already on our second week of rock climbing to their sister company.

Most of these issues likely stem from the financial constraints and miscommunication that the company experienced during the pandemic. Nonetheless, these practices affect a vulnerable target audience --young people who often invest significant savings to join the program, which costs into the low five figures in US dollars.

On a hopeful note, there is new management in place that’s keenly aware of these issues. They have been actively seeking feedback during and after the program, so improvements should be underway in the coming months. And it is worth highlighting that the program was generally well-executed; our instructors, Adam and Maddie, were fantastic guides and awesome human beings, with lots of knowledge about the outdoors.

Despite some hiccups, I would still recommend Pure Exploration. The program is well-designed, educational, and you will have the the opportunity to explore some incredible places.

A few months after the program

As I write this from the picturesque Ko Pha Ngan in Thailand, it has been almost two months since the program ended. I can now say with certainty that spending those three months in NZ was special, fulfilling, and life-changing.

The experience was a rich blend of mountains, challenges, joy, long, yet peaceful days in the backcountry, moments of failure, self-reflection, and personal growth. There is not a single aspect I would change.

I miss rock climbing, sleeping under the stars, the walks around Queenstown, the energy of living with 11 people, and a myriad of other things. The program wasn not without difficulties, but that is part of life’s duality. We grow by confronting and learning from them.

This adventure has significantly enriched my perspective on life. It has strengthened my commitment to embracing the present moment and appreciating the people who surround me. I am deeply grateful for every facet of this transformative experience.

Considering joining a program?

If you have a few months to spare, a desire to learn about the outdoors, and want to immerse yourself in a different culture, then go for it. Approached with the right mindset, could become an invaluable investment in yourself.

Enter with a specific intention but remain open to the unexpected. Carve out time for solitary reflection. Keep a journal of your experiences. Observe the parts that you struggle with. Learn to let go. You’ll initially share this journey with strangers who will soon become close friends. You will disagree often. They will not wash the dishes. You will learn to give space. You will adapt.

Maintain an open mind and have no expectations. Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions. Above all, be present and savour the experience.

Numerous other companies offer similar experiences. Ski patrol courses in Canada, learn with NOLS, or go on challenging expeditions with world-class Adventure Consultants. A year ago, I had no idea these programs existed; now, I am eager to explore more.

If you have questions about my journey, are unsure about participating, or have a story of your own to share, please reach out!