“I'll write it down in the morning when I start working after doing my run, eating 50g of protein, and making a coffee with beans from Kenya”.

I go back to sleep, but wake up tired because of the insomnia. My morning is ruined, and the clever idea already moved on. I guess I am not creative after all.

The Shift

That was my thought process for most of my life. But last week I started breaking this pattern. I remembered what my dear friend Georgi told me.

Let's see if it works? I wanted to go back to sleep eventually, so I opted for my journal instead of my computer. The moment my pen hits the paper, ideas start flowing.

Next thing I know I am recording a reel. I am not optimising the script, the lighting, or the sound. Just me sitting half naked in the kitchen with the sleeping mask still on my face. I have no idea if I'll use it(plot twist…I will).

That gets me going, and I have two ideas for blog posts. Radical expression of love and life force multipliers. I don't even know what that means in the moment, but those two ideas started a process in my brain. More on that later.

I open up Chat GPT and start a stream of consciousness with it. Suddenly we are vibing, and I am coming up with mathematical models to explain why we should relentlessly keep asking “why” about every single thought and action in our lives.

All of this took me 30 minutes and zero effort. This would have been hours if I'd forced myself to come up with it after my 9 step morning routine.

I have an insane amount of energy flowing through me. Suddenly I think about someone special I wanted to send a message, but delayed it, because I did not want to come across needy.

I want to share the energy that is flowing through me. I am not playing any games, it is genuinely how I feel. I don't care that it's 5am in the morning or what I write might come across as needy. The stories I constructed in my head disappear. It feels freeing.

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The Price

There is no free lunch though. At the end of the day, I have a physical body, and that needs sleep. I cannot just flow through life indefinitely. Shout out to my brother Michael Sealey and his excellent sleep hypnosis. His latest video knocks me out after 10 minutes, and I manage to get a few hours of sleep.

But here is the catch about the 9 step morning routine. That routine is extremely valuable, but I was doing them for all the wrong reasons throughout my life.

They are helpful on the days when the muse is far away on a backpacking trip in Southeast Asia, and I am stuck in my cold Lisbon flat. The discipline and routine help me to stay connected to the physical world, and create the conditions for the muse to visit.

But I can't expect her to come on my watch. The best I can do is to set the table by getting in touch with myself. When she eventually comes over for dinner, I will have the place ready for her to thrive.

I imagine the love of my life is coming over for dinner. I make sure the lights are dimmed, the food is delicious, bake some dessert(taking into consideration her allergies…), light some candles, put on beautiful music and regulate my nervous system.

I will spend as much time as possible with her, and be fully present with what she has to say from her trips in faraway lands.

Eventually I let her go. I can't hold onto her, that would stiffen her power. She takes the morning flight to Brazil, and I try to make sense of the beautiful night we spent together.

I go back to my life. Take care of my body, integrate the experience and continue creating an environment where she wants to come back.

Final Words

All my life I thought I am not creative. I was envious of my friends who wrote poetry, created epic videos, wrote blog posts. I wished I could be them!

Turns out I just needed to let go of my desire to control every detail of my life with the most optimised solution a grifter was selling online.

The past 48 hours I wrote 5 articles. All flow through me, and I believe they are high quality, well thought out pieces. Everything feels effortless. I don't have to think about the next sentence, and I am making connections that leave me in disbelief.

It is such an unreal feeling. I suddenly have more ideas that I can act on.

I believe this works for you as well. You are incredibly creative. You may just need to stop demanding that creativity arrive on your schedule, and start creating a life it wants to visit.

After almost four years, I’m leaving Snag and I am quitting tech.

I first drafted this post in January 2026. I already felt the urge to venture out on my own, but lacked direction. Back then I wanted to escape being being a software developer. I could not cope with all the changes AI was bringing to tech.

But this changed at the beginning of June 2026. Suddenly it clicked! I am not the best software engineer. I don't care about algorithms, and beautiful solutions. I am a product developer at heart, who wants to use technology to solve big problems.

AI helps me focus on discovering problems and coming up with solutions to them. It’s with me throughout the whole product development lifecycle. Most importantly, it does the actual heavy-lifting.

What if I can keep doing content AND engineering at the same time? With AI, execution is incredibly cheap. Anyone can build a working prototype in an afternoon. But what's hard is distribution and knowing what to build.

AI is only as good as the human behind it and it can't fake authenticity. The deeper I go into the human experience through radical authenticity and being fully alive, the better my AI gets. The better my AI gets, the deeper I can go. It is a self-perpetuating loop.

That's the life I'm building towards. 2-4 hours of daily deep work leveraging the full power of AI and living with full presence offline. That's what feeds the machine and my soul.

I was hesitating to make the decision to quit. But over the past 6 weeks the opportunity pain of staying kept rising. It got to a point where I couldn't not quit.

The shift started with Loamkeep. An iOS app I built to promote intentional social media use while taking care of your body. There are quite a few other exciting projects on the horizon that I’ll share more about when the time is right.

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A round of love for the team

Snag has been a pivotal part of my journey as a product developer and human being. I learned so much about building distributed systems, but it was also a place that supported my self-exploration and my sometimes-unusual requests

I will be forever grateful for having the opportunity to work in this company and getting to know the people. I’m taking a piece of everyone on this team with me. Here is a round of appreciation for everyone I worked closely with.

Sufwan

He was always the one messaging me the second I broke the build, which happened quite often. He’s a talented engineer, always ready to jump on any bug.

I’ve watched him grow into genuinely challenging work over the years. He always has a smile on his face, and it does wonders for morale.

Muneeb

We worked closely for a few months, and I watched Muneeb grow so much in that time. He was eager for feedback and always came out the other side a better engineer.

He ended up owning a critical part of our product, and seeing that makes me proud. He’s a curious person, and we had many good chats between meetings.

Nick

I loved watching Nick grow into the Go-To-Market Lead role. When the previous lead left, he stepped in and crushed it.

But what I admire even more is his curiosity and drive to figure things out: he built an entire sales tool from scratch just to help himself do the job better. I’ll miss our chats about life, hiking, and personal growth.

Gio

Gio is a genuine person with a lot of love for everything he touches in life. He’s the team’s biggest cheerleader. The energy he brings to meetings and chats is contagious.

He’s the bridge between stuck clients and us engineers, and he inspires me with how he handles communication and how prompt he is with responses.

Gloria

Gloria brought much-needed structure to the organisation: making sure we actually got paid, setting up bug tracking, building sales funnels. The shift was real, and everyone noticed.

But my favorite thing was the games she introduced to the team. They helped me connect more deeply with the people I was working with. The energy she added was exactly what we were missing.

Haseeb

I’ve never met anyone with Haseeb’s skillset. He’s one of the smartest engineers I’ve worked with, and the human side of him is even more impressive.

His patience is remarkable: many times I couldn’t understand a problem, and he’d take the time to explain it in different ways until I did. A teammate I could always count on, and an absolute gem of a human being.

Nadav

Nadav is the first kick-ass designer I’ve worked with. One of a kind, with true attention to detail.

All those endless QA sessions paid off: I took the message of his craft to heart, and he made me a better product developer by teaching me what a good user experience is really worth.

We’re on similar journeys in life, and I admire his curiosity for new experiences across all areas in life.

Logan

The most cracked developer I’ve ever worked with. I stopped counting the engineering masterpieces he came up with.

For Logan there is always a way, and he doesn’t stop until the problem is solved, even if it means rewriting the entire backend in some obscure language overnight.

His intelligence shows up everywhere: he understands human behavior, economics, and has great intuition for business. He’s probably the reason I ended up AI-pilled. Thank you sir!

Rafal

One of my favorite people on the team. He is an inspiration on many levels. I will never forget the chat we had in NYC about parenthood. He looked tired, but deep down I could feel a profound appreciation and love for his family. That was the first seed planted in my head towards the potential future of being a father.

And the growth he underwent as a developer? Wow! He built beautiful solutions powering the heart of our product and he now owns an entire new product for the business. Doing this at a very high level!

Jason

He made me a better engineer, full stop. Snag was the first company I worked at with real scale, and he taught me so much about building distributed systems. He’s a wizard with architecture and anything touching a database, and he has a gift for simplifying the product.

As a person, he’s down to earth, delivers feedback with care, and is always there to help. We talked a lot about the digital nomad life and even met up for skiing in Switzerland. We resonate on a lot more than engineering.

Zach

Last, but definitely not least. Zach is an inspiration as a leader and as a salesperson. I remember sitting at the table in our Bushwick Airbnb during the NYC offsite, looking around and thinking — WOW!

He had an idea, started a company, and because of it, ten of us met and built something together. Deep down, I felt I wanted something like that for myself.

I admire his transparency: he shares the numbers, what’s happening with clients, and I always knew he’d give me honest feedback when I needed it.

On client calls, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation, but he handles it with respect. His ambition and ability to wear many hats are something to aspire to.

Thank you for trusting me so much.

Final words

Thank you again for the opportunity to be part of this journey. It wasn’t always frictionless, but that was never the point. It's about the people. It's always been and always will be. Snag is made up of world-class professionals and even better human beings.

I have no idea where I’ll end up, but I’ve never felt more excited about life. I’m not quitting tech. But I am done being just a software developer.

If you’re curious, follow along on Instagram or here on Substack.

This post was originally published on my first blog in January 2021. After my experience, I was recommending it to everyone. Well, that was naive. While it helped me tremendously, it can have consequences.

Recommending the brew to everyone without knowing their background is foolish. Drinking it will not solve any of your problems. It will open up doors, show you things, but it is your responsibility what you do with the information.

Part of me is curious to try it again, but I do not feel ready for it yet. It feels like I am still integrating the learnings from 5 years ago. It's that powerful.

I went on my first Ayahuasca retreat a few months ago, and it was the most magical week of my life. It was not easy, daunting at first, but oh boy, was it rewarding!

I want to share my story with you, as the medicine has a huge opportunity to change and elevate your life forever. Get comfortable, as this is going to be a long read!

Caveats

Before I jump into it, I have to share a few lines. While Ayahuasca has great potential, as always, there are some caveats to be made.

• Nothing in this article is medical advice. Please consult your doctor before embarking on an Ayahuasca retreat.

• Please read this article with an open mind. What I am going to share might not make any sense, even sound ridiculous. I had similar thoughts before, but Ayahuasca has proven me incorrect on so many levels.

• Ayahuasca became popular in the last years. With an uptick in demand, sneaky actors appear and attempt to profit from the situation. Finding a trusted retreat run by knowledgeable people guiding you through the journey will significantly impact your experience. It is better to pay extra than to compromise on quality.

• Ayahuasca is considered an illegal substance in most parts of the world. I am not advising you to break the law. I will tell my story from pre to post-retreat, and you can then decide for yourself if this is something you would be interested in trying. My goal is to create awareness and reveal how to take your life to the next level potentially.

What is Ayahuasca?

Ayahuasca --- also known as the tea, the vine, or la purga --- is a brew made from the leaves of the Psychotria Viridis shrub and the stalks of the Banisteriopsis caapi vine. Other plants and ingredients can be added as well(1).

The brew combines DMT, a powerful hallucinogenic chemical, and MAO inhibitors that allow the DMT to affect the central nervous system and lead to an altered state of consciousness.

Ayahuasca has been used in the Amazon for thousands of years for spiritual and religious purposes in ceremonies led by shamans or curanderos. It has made its way into the Western world in the last few decades, although because of the DMT, it is still classified as illegal in most countries.

Because the brew is so potent, it is highly recommended to take it in a controlled environment with a person who can safely guide the ceremony and help you to get the most out of this medicine.

What led me to the Ayahuasca retreat?

The image of drugs portrayed in the media is not pretty. Like most of us, I was living with the mentality that all drugs are dangerous and will inescapably destroy our lives. As a kid, I was afraid of ending up in the wrong circles and becoming an addict.

Later on, I kept hearing various stories about spiritual awakenings, healings from trauma, and giant breakthroughs in life after taking psychedelic substances. All of these were stories of people who greatly inspire me and who are quite successful. I got curious, and I started to learn more about this clandestine world.

I wanted to have my first encounter with psychedelics in a safe, controlled environment, as many things can go wrong. One does not know what will find inside their mind and how it will react to the discoveries. It can be scary.

I did not know what to look for, so I tossed the idea aside and kept going on with my life.

I met up with a friend for lunch in Mexico City back in February 2020, and I noticed he ordered vegan food. He told me that he is on a special diet because he is preparing for an Ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. This sounded exciting, so I immediately started to learn more about Ayahuasca.

After a while, it clicked. A retreat? With psychedelics? In a controlled environment? This seemed exactly what I was looking for!

After a few months of research and planning, I found a place that looked perfect for my first experience. I booked the retreat, and I started getting ready. Little did I know that my life is never going to be the same!

Two weeks before the retreat

Ayahuasca is powerful, and one has to treat it with respect. Lifestyle change is strongly advised starting at least two weeks before drinking the brew. I abstained from drinking alcohol, eating red meat, sex, coffee, citrus fruits, and lactose. Following the diet was relatively easy. I was eating lots of meat before, so the sudden change of flavors felt refreshing.

As the days were flying by, my anxiety was increasing noticeably. I started doubting myself. Was this because the removal of distractions allowed suppressed thoughts to surface? Or was it my fear of what I would see and my brain trying to protect me?

I began exploring these sensations. Most of them led to relationships with people I profoundly care(d) about. I was observing patterns of my behavior that limited me to live my life to the fullest. Fear of rejection, not being good enough, taking everything personally. I thought I was already over these feelings, but surprise, I had a lot of work to do!

Thus my intentions for the retreat have been born. Make peace with the past, release the blockages, and open my heart for what is yet to come.

The retreat

Settling in

I left Lisbon around 11:45 am and arrived at Coimbra train station 2 hours later. We got picked up, and after about a one-hour drive, we got to the retreat location. A beautiful Quinta, in the middle of nature. We were shown to our tents, dropped our stuff, and headed back for the introduction.

At this point, I was starving, as I skipped lunch. I asked one of the organizers when are we going to get food. He made all my hopes disappear, though: "Oh, there is no food until tomorrow morning, as we have the tobacco purge tonight." Great, we jump straight into it, I thought, as I kept walking, still hungry.

Introduction, day one

The introduction was held in the maloka(indigenous word for "house" or "cabin"), and we finally met our shaman, master Sanango. He talked about the upcoming days, the rules during the ceremonies and addressed our questions.

We needed to surrender all our electronics, as there was no place for external distractions. This was necessary in order to focus solely on showing up and doing the inner work. The notion of time ceased to exist and got replaced by bongs and approximations.

The silence between us began, and off we went to the tobacco purge.

Tobacco purge

This served as a preparation to enter the world of Ayahuasca. "It is the act of letting go, defecating and/or vomiting, cleaning ourselves from the unnecessary, from toxins accumulated in our body, from feelings of suffering, beliefs, and ideas that do not serve neither to our physical, mental nor spiritual being." The vomiting symbolizes the release of our armors to be more receptive to the teachings of the master plants.

Each of us received a bucket, lots of water, and a glass with the tobacco brew inside. We were told to finish the pitch of water, drink the tobacco, and continue drinking more water while aiming for the bucket.

I never vomited so much in such a short period of time! But it was worth it! I felt an immense sense of peace, openness and had incredibly vivid dreams later on. I started to feel that this is going to be an incredible journey, and we were just getting started.

Kambo, day two

Around 7:30 am, we got woken up for the first Kambo cleanse, named after the poisonous secretions of the giant monkey frog or Phyllomedusa bicolor. This was optional, but I signed up for it, as I wanted to get the full experience. I did not do a lot of research about it. To be honest, it was just an innocent checkbox during the booking process.

I was the first to be given the medicine, and I quickly became anxious, not knowing what to expect. Based on the bucket near me, I was pretty sure it is going to involve more vomiting. Great way to start your morning, right?

Slowly the medicine started to enter my body through the three dots burned on my skin. My heart started racing, my head pulsing, and I felt extremely nauseous. But I could not throw up.

I started to question myself again. Why can't I rent a car, drive along the coast, and have an ordinary vacation that I enjoy? Why am I torturing myself? What is wrong with me?

After a while, it started to come out. It was painful and lasted for about ten minutes. I was relieved that it was over, and I felt a sense of clarity like never before.

And now finally time for breakfast, after a day of fasting and cleansing. The only catch? I had an extremely sore throat from the Kambo and had a hard time swallowing. Nevertheless, it felt great to recharge my body.

Leading up to the night

The rest of the day went by peacefully and in silence as we prepared for the first ceremony. I had no idea what to expect or how powerful it is going to be.

Have you ever camped in a massive rainfall? It is not the most pleasant experience, and it definitely makes falling asleep harder. Add to this the rising levels of anxiety about what's going to happen, and no good sleep is guaranteed. Probably the worst way to go into an unknown and potentially scary world.

I secretly hoped that the ceremony would be canceled given the rain, and I would not need to do it. But that not how this works, and we eventually got woken up.

Twelve people, all dressed in white, walking quietly at 1:00 am in the rain towards the maloka to do a sacred ceremony involving master plants from the Amazon, a shaman from Peru, and all of us expecting massive revelations? It sounds like a cult from the outside, right?

I asked Ayahuasca to be gentle. I wanted to heal but did not want to get scared right at the beginning. Then Sanango arrived, repeated the rules, and reassured us that we would not go crazy. He wished us a beautiful ceremony and started pouring the brew.

Ayahuasca, trip number one

That's it. I am next in line. Shit starts to get real. My anxiety is through the roof as I am walking down the aisle to get the brew. I went back to my seat, laid down, and closed my eyes. All I wanted was a soft trip.

I did not feel much until getting a second cup. I even fell asleep once. After 20 minutes or so, it started to kick in. I was floating underwater, with random objects hovering around me. There were subtle scary things, but nothing serious.

I got teleported into different situations from the past. I realized those particular events were hurting me and were not allowing me to live up to my full potential. I saw people and how their behaviors, opinions, and words were haunting me subconsciously. I was not angry at all. I felt a sense of relief, peace and I decided it is time to move on.

I got the sign that everything is going to be all right and I should not worry about the future so much. Wanting to live an unconventional life? Having meaningful relationships? Building products? It is all possible, given I focus my energy on the right things.

The night finished with a girl and me swimming upwards, becoming one when meeting on the surface. I woke up calm, full of love, and being grateful for the beautiful experience. And this was just the beginning!

Rest and recover

We had two days to relax and try to process the experience until the next one. While I had a mild trip, there were quite a few people with intense, crazy stories. We are all very different, so it makes a lot of sense.

After the sharing circle was over, we were allowed to break the silence and get to know each other. There were no barriers between us at that time. Going through hell and heaven together definitely helped them dismantle.

Ayahuasca, the second trip

The day looked pretty much the same. Kambo in the morning, preparing for the night and rest before taking off.

I knew it is going to be more powerful this time. After having a good first encounter, I told Mother Ayahuasca that I feel ready for the full experience.

I began by alternating between multiple dimensions, and random objects were floating around again. Scary figures were hanging out in the bottom dimensions, with the joyous ones being higher up. I tried to ignore the uncomfortable beings and wanted to get to the fun ones. I was being pushed down over and over though.

I realized that I have to face them. They were limiting me! I became inviting, curious and wanted them to show me more. But they never did! As soon as I have embraced them, I was able to move around as I wished. I faced my fears, and I got liberated.

That was when Sanango invited us for a second cup, and I wanted more. I wanted to go deeper. Going there was a challenge as everything was revolving around me.

I looked back to see what "others" were thinking, but no one cared! Everyone was immersed in their own world. So I decided to fly. One thing led to another, I put my hands into my pants, and I formed a triangle. I suddenly felt strongly connected to my masculine side. And oh boy! I got transported to an unreal place.

I saw myself as a white beam of light, flying in the universe at a crazy speed. I was able to see inside my brain and experience firsthand how it was interpreting and reacting to the music. I could not believe what was going on!

I observed limiting concepts dissolving in space; comparison, judgment, material things. Nothing mattered. It was just me and the neverending universe. I did not want to wake up. It was unprecedented. I kept telling myself: "What is this?", "This is unreal", "This is magic", "Am I alive?".

Suddenly, a feeling of empathy washed over me. I saw people, all in their own bubbles, fighting their own fights, showing up in numerous ways. Then it clicked! We all see the world through very distinct lenses, expressing ourselves in different ways and bringing our own emotional baggage into the process of doing so. Most of us have good intentions with our actions, even though the ideas we put across might look flawed.

I remember another significant conversation with her. I told her that I do not want to be sick. She simply said, "then don't be." I never purged that night. Often, sickness comes out of our minds because of too much stress and anxiety.

All good things come to an end, right? At that point, it did not feel like that is accurate, and I started to freak out. I wanted to wake up! It felt too good to be true. I genuinely believed that I've gone crazy. I started doing math and writing code in my head, trying to help others, opening my eyes. Anything to get back to "reality." It worked up to an extent, but the visions did not want to end for a long time.

When they eventually did, I was the first to leave the maloka. I wanted to feel the "real" world. I could not grasp what the heck has just happened. I felt that I had enough, I got the full experience, my spirit woke up, and my work here is done! I was ready to go home and apply the learnings. But Mother Ayahuasca had a different plan for me.

The final trip

Before embarking on the last Ayahuasca ceremony, we had a chance to talk privately with Sanango. I wanted to use this opportunity to understand where the resistance at the end of the last session came from. He had a straightforward answer: "A lot of the times, we fail to accept the good things life grants us." I then decided to surrender to the medicine completely later that night.

I slept relatively well, spending a quiet evening around my tent in the hammock. I felt connected with nature and let the autumn breeze sweep through my body. I was ready.

My anxiety started to kick in as soon as Sanango arrived, and I saw the bottles. I felt disgusted by thinking about the taste of the brew. It gets worse the more you drink it. When my turn was up, I got the end of the bottle, full of particles, tasting like earth.

I started out wandering in nature, surrounded by subtle scary silhouettes. I was more gentle with them this time, inviting them to come along the ride. But they refused, disappearing as soon as I faced them!

I was walking in a stunning forest, arriving at a camp with beautiful flowers shortly after. There was a girl with me. We felt childish and were running barefoot in nature. We ended up having sex, and that was the most amazing feeling ever! I felt that we became one, two souls united together. I again felt like a white beam of lights, but this time I was not alone.

Sanango invited us for a second cup. However, I saw a clear NO coming from somewhere, that I should stay put and enjoy the ride. I did not need more. I felt cozy, with my hands on my heart and my soul dancing to the music.

It was time to lay down and fully surrender. An abundance of emotions washed over me. Love, euphoria, satisfaction, empathy, serenity, just to name a few. I felt the medicine flowing through my body and healing my wounds I was not even aware of. My heart finally opened!

I saw myself caring for everyone in the room, working on their problems. I realized that this is not OK. I should not fight other people's battles. I am carrying way too much weight on my shoulders, which interferes with my way of being and living.

I was able to control my body in unreal ways. Whenever an urge to vomit or go to the bathroom arose, I calmed my mind down and stayed with the feeling. After a while, they went away. I've realized that what we put into our minds and bodies directly correlates with how we feel and behave. I saw sad animals staring at me, got clear signs to connect more with nature and to take care of my body and the planet.

An unconventional thought popped into my head suddenly. I wanted to turn upside down and see the experience from a different angle. After changing direction, I was reborn and a child again, moving my whole body to the songs, singing along silently, laughing, and feeling exuberant.

The night turned into morning, and we started waking up. I felt happy, healed, and a radically different person - a man at peace.

Aftermath

It's been a few months since the bliss at Sinchi Runa ended. The retreat is only the awakening. It will not solve all problems magically. The process of integration, nurture, and awareness is equally important. I wanted to take the lessons and apply them to my day-to-day life.

Top five learnings

Most of my takeaways are not that special, and you might have heard of them already. I definitely did before. However, I never fully internalized them. Now it got down to the cellular level.

These are only a few of what I discovered during the ceremonies, there is much more, and I did not even process everything yet. The amount of information you get while working with Ayahuasca is incomprehensible.

1. Surrender, experience life as it is, and let go of things that don't serve you anymore. By attaching myself to the past, I set expectations of how I should feel and behave in the present moment. Life is a neverending evolution, and we need to adapt to it. I want to experience as it unfolds and change accordingly.

2. Stop worrying so much about the future. You are on the right path. I tend to get stressed out in my day-to-day life and forget about the power of compound interest. I can get anything I want, given that I take steps towards it every day, set my mind up for growth, and surround myself with the right people. Worry less, be more present.

3. You carry other people's problems on your shoulders. This one struck me! I am always in problem-solving mode, and I especially loved solving other people's challenges. Solving your problems for you would be unfair and probably not even possible. What worked for me might not work for you. I can not fight your battles. You have to show up and do the work yourself. I will be your biggest supporter for sure, but I will stay out of the arena.

4. Focus on the beauty and grit of each individual. People show up in their own ways, and chances are, no one has an agenda to hurt me. What I am taking personally is probably only a result of ignorance, fear, misunderstanding, or a combination of all.

5. Magic awaits once you can overcome the limiting beliefs. After I faced my fears, I got transported into whole new dimensions, ones that were far more intense, thought-provoking, and beautiful than what I was used to.

How my life changed?

• I feel calmer. Thanks to, or because of this, I can meditate much longer. I regularly do 30 minutes sessions, while before, I could barely sit for 10 minutes. And the sessions became more rewarding as well.

• I eat mostly a vegetarian diet. I will not put labels on myself, and I will eat meat for sure, but it will not be so at the center of my intake as before.

• I stopped watching porn.

• I am more present. I want to focus on the people and experiences around me without worrying much about the future or past. I want to live life to the fullest.

• I feel more confident, ready for standing up for myself and the world.

• I try to live with an open heart, inviting the world around me into my life. We miss out on so many opportunities and meaningful connections just because we like hanging out in our own little bubbles.

• I feel more conscious and self-aware. What I put into my mind and body, separating myself from my thoughts, recognizing other people's efforts, to name a few.

• I stopped agonizing over my day-to-day life and shifted my focus on the long term. As long as I live according to my values and take daily steps in the right direction, I am alright.

Conclusion

Taking the medicine is only the first step; the real work starts after. It can open our eyes, but its effects are not going to last long without continuous nurturing.

Ayahuasca will take you on a journey that you will never forget. The amount of information you will receive will take months, if not years, to process and integrate. You will bump into obstacles along the ride, but do not worry. That is normal, and you will be fine.

Ayahuasca is powerful, so one has to treat her with respect. Follow the diet, find a safe space to take the medicine, and open your mind. Without respect, it can easily backfire.

Ayahuasca changed my life for the better, and I will continue to work with the medicine moving forward as well. If you are interested, want to hear more about my experience, or share yours, please reach out to me.

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A wedding of dear friends where the energy is overflowing with joy and connection, a near-death experience on a high mountain mission, or simply an insightful book that spoke to my soul. All transported me to an elevated state of consciousness, stretching the boundaries of what I thought was possible.

These moments don't last forever, and eventually I am bound to return to Earth. After the tantra immersion, the shift hit harder than I expected.

I tried to settle into my usual routine, but there was doubt. Work felt like an incredible effort. I doubted my decision to have a home base. The trip to Pakistan I was excited about no longer felt right. I was craving different food. It was as if the old version of me did not fit the present, but the new one hadn't arrived yet.

This is the time when transformation takes place. I have a chance to redefine how I live, and incorporate the learnings into my day-to-day life. In scientific terms, this is when neuroplasticity takes place.

Think of a snowy mountain. Every time you walk a trail, the snow gets packed down. When new snow comes, old paths get covered. You are free to wander in new directions, packing down entirely new paths. New experiences offer a chance to reshape how you think and behave.

Peak experiences are incredible, and for a long time I was chasing them relentlessly. They are a great way to escape the present moment. If I could go to that country, I would feel happy. If only I could do one more meditation retreat, all my problems would vanish. I made this mistake before.

Pursuing highs without integration is a trap, and I was getting addicted to the process. I was grasping at moments. I had a hard time letting the experience go and appreciating it for what it was. I wanted it to last forever! And in the process, I was ready to give up other parts of my life that I loved.

Recently, something shifted, and I noticed the change after the tantra immersion I mentioned above. It was one of the most beautiful and emotional three days of my life, yet I was ready to move on.

Coming back to the valley in Switzerland felt like returning home. I was so excited to be back near the mountains, to get serious about writing, live with more openness, and spend time with loved ones.

How does integration look for me?

Reflection on the peak experience. Journaling, meditation, and talking to loved ones help me reflect. How did I feel during the high? Were there any challenges I faced? What are some new perspectives? How will the new information I received shape my life?

I find it helpful talking to people who went through similar events. Certain things can only be understood if experienced.

What can I apply to my daily life? To change many things at once feels overwhelming. If I can take away only one thing, that's already a success.

I had an addiction to 9gag a few years ago, but after the trip to Kyrgyzstan, I never opened it again. I started to assume that everyone has good intentions after my ayahuasca experience. I recognised the importance of holistic health after the outdoor education course in New Zealand.

Beyond the joy, peak experiences give me information. I get temporary access to my subconscious, and observe the stories I am telling myself. Stories about my identity, limiting beliefs, and things I am holding onto.

Awareness in itself does not change me, but opens a door. Integration is the space where the real work happens, where awareness slowly turns into embodiment.

I’ve started being careful with how many doors I open. Going from peak to peak can become a trap, and the fastest way to overload and confuse my nervous system.

I try to leave time to take care of myself and the emotions that surface after an experience. Just like my body needs rest after intense training, my mind also needs grounding after being stretched by the highs.

Closing thoughts

Not every experience has to be as intense as ayahuasca or near-death to change us. Sometimes it's a conversation, a short meditation, or a walk in the forest. What matters isn't intensity, but presence. Presence is the doorway into altered states, and it's always available, without needing to travel to the other side of the world.

The highs shows me what is possible. Integration is choosing how I walk the trail once the snow has settled. And for now, life itself is enough.

What about you? Is there something in your life asking to be integrated?

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I was confused by the meaning of these words for a long time. I used to roll my eyes every time I heard the world alignment. It sounded like hippie jargon, and I wasn't able to understand its importance. Until I started getting glimpses of it, and suddenly everything made sense.

It was just a few months ago when I was able to connect the dots for the first time. I was walking home after dinner with a friend. We had some incredible conversations, I was able to fully express myself, and the whole evening was flowing. I was in a great mood, listening to music and moving with the rhythm of the city.

My mind was overflowing with possibilities, I felt open and in awe of the sheer opportunity of existence on Earth. As I was walking, a beautiful piano song caught my attention, and instantly drew me in. I stood there taking it all in, and when the artist was done, I walked up to him.

I expressed my gratitude for the beautiful music he was playing, and I asked for his PayPal. We ended up chatting for 10 minutes. He had a tender energy, and in that moment I felt really connected to him.

He is from India, and has been playing instruments since he was a kid. He was saving up for a hiking trip. We exchanged numbers, and I offered him a place to stay if he ever decides on another trip to Switzerland.

Nice tale, but why do I mention it in a post about alignment? This encounter felt like the finishing touch to a great evening. I was reminded how beautiful these random encounters are.

To be part of someone's story, even if it's only for five minutes. All of this was possible because for a change, I was not caught up with my thoughts. I was present, instead of busy with the stories in my mind. Following my curiosity, instead of thinking about what I have to do next.

When I feel in tune with myself, resistance disappears. The decisions I make feel right, there is no more second guessing. Ideas flow without me doing anything particular. I have the courage to express myself, and trust that it is going to be okay. Fear is still there, but it is much more quiet, not running the show for once.

It doesn’t last forever, at least I am still far from that stage. I was quick to come back to baseline the next day, where the mind is loud and presence feels unattainable.

It's not a problem though. Maybe it's not a constant state of mind, but one where I get invited back. Through stillness, presence and doing what feels right.

It was not the first time I experienced the above, but the first time I noticed what it is. Since then, I have been able to observe it in real time, and embrace the beauty when it comes.

While on the train back home, during an incredible outing in the mountains with one of my best friends or an evening walk near the place I live. Sometimes it lasts for a few minutes, other times for a few hours, or on rare occasions, for days!

The common theme is always a deep appreciation for life, creative energy waiting to be expressed and a feeling of oneness with the universe.

This post is part of that energy wanting to come alive. Putting these thoughts into writing helps me make sense of the experience. Maybe it resonates, or maybe it does not. Either way, that's perfectly fine. But it feels real for me, and that's the only place I can speak from.

What does alignment mean to you? Could you recognise the feeling I was trying to convey in this post? When you felt more you than usual, without trying? I'd love to hear your story!

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I have a tattoo on my arm saying “time is limited”. I have seen friends’ projects failing because they waited too long. I got many reminders from life during the years about this message. Yet I have never understood it fully up until the tantra immersion a few weeks ago. More on that another time, but I believe this idea is worth a separate post.

Take this blog as an example. Before the retreat in Cologne, I wanted the launch to be flawless. Have a few posts already written, so there is less pressure to write when it's live. Have the perfect design ready. I felt anxious, what am I going to write about? Yeah, I have ideas, but will they keep flowing?

The result of all of this was being stuck. I was too afraid to go live, because that would mean I might fail. I wanted to control the outcome in order to shield myself from failing.

The reality? By waiting for the “right moment”, I was not making any progress. In my mind, the project was already growing. Big, successful, resonant. But it only existed in imagination. There, everything is possible, and the risk of failure is zero.

Doing a reality check, in this case posting, threatens the persona I am in my head. I want to be seen as a person who articulates well, people resonate with my writing, and I might even make income out of it.

Publishing something, and coming back to Earth is risky. It posed a threat. What if the author in my head dies? That would be unfortunate. He is such an awesome guy, right?

It is a bit like standing at the bottom of the mountain, dreaming of the summit, but not moving. Because the path is long and exhausting. And maybe, just maybe, I won't make it.

Thanks to some insights at the retreat, I decided to take the first step. I quickly wrote a post on the train back to Switzerland, and hit publish a few days later. No drafts ready to go live after, the website being basic, and I had no idea what the next posts will be about.

But as soon as I took the first step, an energy started to come alive, one that was not there before. Suddenly ideas started flowing. I could focus on writing, and I kept showing up. The writer's block still visited, but did not overstay. I stopped focusing on the summit, and started enjoying the path ahead.

I might never meet the person I had in my mind, but that should not be the goal. I want to keep climbing, go on side-quests along the way, and most importantly, enjoy the process.

How did tantra help me to embody this lesson? We talked a lot about presence, and observing what feelings arise in us in any given moment. I’ve noticed that I have a tendency towards waiting with taking action. I want to be able to control the outcome, in a way that is comfortable for me. I forget to stay with the present moment. I put things off for another time, when circumstances will be more suitable to my liking. But that time rarely comes.

Suddenly I saw this pattern popping up in so many areas of my life. Love, waiting too much with taking the first step. Work, polishing that feature forever, until there are no bugs. Life, being on standby until a condition is met. That night I walked home emotionally exhausted, I’ve never felt this way.

The next day I decided to break this pattern, and started working with the situation that was in front of me. The outcome was totally different to how I imagined in my head, but equally powerful. Life was flowing, and for the first time I was ready to let go resisting it.

There are things that I read about or hear from friends, but can't grasp until I go through it myself. It is fascinating, sometimes I wish I could learn from other people's mistakes. I guess that's not how life works, and this makes it even more interesting.

What's something you’ve been putting off, but secretly wish to start? Is it opening up to someone? Starting a business? Quitting a job that's slowly killing your soul? Putting on the running shoes, and going outside? Whatever it is, don't blame yourself for feeling stuck. It is human. But I encourage you to take that first step. That's when the energy starts to move. And that, I promise you, is a magical feeling.

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The moment I hit publish last Sunday, the anxiety started to kick in. Man, it's been 10 minutes, and not a single sign-up? My inbox is not exploding with messages about my post? Did I write something stupid? Was it confusing to post on Instagram, but then expect people to subscribe on an external website? Is the subscribe button even visible? I shouldn't have posted on a Sunday afternoon, how stupid of me. On and on it went for another hour at least. I was having “fun”, as you could see.

I even started criticising myself about other parts of my life, totally unrelated to the post I had just shared. Why did I push myself so much during the run? How did I think that was an acceptable thing to say to someone I just met? What am I doing with my life?

But then I managed to catch myself. Wait a minute, what am I doing here? This is spiralling, and overthinking at its finest. Yes, it's vulnerable to share my thoughts online, but why do I feel so much pressure? There is no lion chasing me, and my life isn't in danger. Not even close. I’ve wanted to share my thoughts for a long time, it feels in alignment with the person I am, so what's the issue here?

It feels scary to be vulnerable. I often feel alone before opening up. I believe I’m the only one having these thoughts. With people in physical space, it feels a bit easier. We can support each other, I can feel their presence and we already have a connection.

Online is a whole different story. When I hit publish, I was alone in my apartment and it felt like standing naked in the middle of the city centre. I had no idea who was looking at me, what they were thinking or if I was being stupid for doing this.

It was fascinating to experience how much the ego can shape our reality. Even though hitting publish was a full-body yes, when it actually happened, the ego stepped in. My true self wanted to express itself, yet the ego had other plans. It wanted validation at all costs, and when the expected praise did not come, it went into a full-blown attack.

After an hour of continuous refreshing, I managed to step away and give my brain a break. I danced a bit, cooked dinner, and read a book. Finally the ego started to quiet down, and another voice emerged. I suddenly felt a sense of satisfaction for having the courage to share my thoughts and be vulnerable. I was grateful to the five people who subscribed. A few friends gave me feedback and congratulated me on taking the leap.

I felt content for coming out of the shadows. I promised myself I'd continue writing, checked my email one more time and went to sleep.

So here I am, showing up again, despite the stories my mind keeps making up to protect me. Naming what I felt is part of starting something new. It is scary, messy, and full of uncertainty. Maybe you’ve felt this too. The butterflies in your stomach before expressing yourself. The silence after the leap. If so, this one is for you too.

Thanks for walking with me. I’ll keep going, one post at a time.

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I have a rich inner world, and I discover something new every single day. Every time, I am in awe. How did I not notice this beautiful thing during 30 years of existence? Often, it is hard to express with words. The container does not feel right, people do not resonate with it, or my thoughts go in many directions. What makes sense in my head might sound like complete nonsense to you.

So here I am, starting a new experiment. I will share posts about what feels alive in me at any given moment. Writing and sharing publicly helps me clarify my thoughts. That is already success. If even one person, maybe you, feels seen because of it, that is a beautiful bonus.

I chose the name Robert Listens because the inspiration for the posts will come from inside. Think of journal entries that make sense, at least for me. Some posts will be only a few hundred words, some maybe thousands. I do not know yet.

I stopped sharing my writing five years ago, and I felt like a failure for a long time. The desire to write never left me, but I never made it a priority. Today, I look back at my past self with admiration for having the courage to express his thoughts.

I wanted the launch to be perfect. The right landing page, at least ten posts ready, a beautiful design. But I realised it would never happen if I waited for all the stars to align. I want to release this from my mind and see where it leads.

While my inner world feels rich, so does everyone else's, including yours. We all have a story that is fascinating in its own way. Full of desires, fears, joy, tears, hope, grief. The complexity of human consciousness fascinates me, and I live to witness your story. That is the second reason why I chose the name Robert Listens.

I want to listen to what is alive in you, to hold space if you need it or to share in your joy. I want to learn from you. My life is built from lego pieces you all have shared with me. Some are bigger, like the memory of exploring Kyrgyzstan or living together for one year in Stockholm. Some are more subtle, like the way I make my morning coffee or cook eggs. Thank you for every single block you added to my life.

Whether this is my first or last post, time will tell. But if you want to follow along, I invite you to subscribe and we will find out together. That is it for now.

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