How Your Choices Shape Freedom
On empty calendars, chosen problems, and a life worth committing to
What is your definition of freedom?
It's the beginning of August, and I am on my way to the mountains in Romania with my parents. The next few days are going to be what we would call a vacation.
As I was drinking my morning coffee, I started thinking about the word vacation. In Hungarian, the word vacation can be translated as szabadság, which literally means freedom. I looked up the etymology of the word vacation.
The word vacation derives from the Latin vacare, meaning to be free, empty, or unoccupied. Historically, it referred to a period of release from duties or formal obligations. Its original meaning was therefore closer to freedom from occupation than to travel itself.
I started thinking about freedom, and how its meaning has changed for me over the past ten years.
Let's Play a Game
Imagine two people. Steven and Andrea.
Steven has a family, a mortgage, and a challenging job. Andrea has unlimited money, no one to be responsible for, and an empty calendar.
Who would you say is freer?
The obvious answer would be Andrea. She has the possibility to plan any life she wants. Her calendar is empty. But we don't know what it’s like to be her.
Maybe she is riddled with anxiety, scared of making the wrong decision and trapped by having too many options. Steven, on the other hand, consciously chose every single one of his responsibilities.
So who is actually freer?
Chasing Freedom
For most of my twenties, I wouldn't have hesitated. I wanted to be Andrea.
I read a book in 2018 about values. It suggested to choose two values, so every decision should pass through that filter. One of the two I chose was freedom. I started to look at most of my decisions through this lens.
I built my life around keeping as many doors open as possible. I avoided commitments that would limit my options. I believed that was what freedom looked like.
Those years taught me discipline, gave me financial stability, and exposed me to cultures and experiences that shaped who I am today. But eventually, after years of chasing that version of freedom, I found myself asking a question I never expected:
What the heck do I want out of life if my calendar is empty?
Before the age of 30, I already traveled around the world, had a flexible job, I could live anywhere, and was in the greatest shape of my life. However, something felt off. I should feel happy. I have everything society is longing for. Why am I not happy?
Focusing on eliminating friction from my life started to cost my relationships.
The digital nomad lifestyle is beautiful. During those six or so years, I learned a lot about the world. All of those are an integral part of me right now.
The directness of the Dutch. The pragmatism of the German. The kindness of the Vietnamese. The extroversion of the Americans. The introspection of the Indians. The respect of the Japanese. The cuisines of Asia. The respect for nature of the Kiwi. I could go on.
But there is no free lunch. Spending a couple of weeks in a country is a great way to get a taste of a culture, but it is not enough time to build deep relationships. The moment we started getting closer, my time was up.
I did not have time to feel the pain, because I was off to my next destination. I was the one who was always leaving people behind. While it served me well until then, it felt like my approach to life needed an upgrade.
Finding Agency
I remember sitting on the couch one evening in the winter of 2024 at Alpiness Coliving. For the first time in my life, I did not want to be anywhere else. I had my then girlfriend next to me, an incredible community, and lots of outdoor adventures. Was this how home felt like?
I ended up being based in the valley for the next two years. I finally experienced seasons. I got to be on the receiving end of being left behind. I stayed during the off-peak months.
I discovered new feelings. The constant movement prevented me from noticing them before. Longing, heartbreak, boredom, peace, contentment, routine. Finally, I had headspace to work on my own projects and notice my inner self.
Slowly the idea to focus on agency instead of freedom started to crystallise. I also finally read Mark Manson's famous book, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck". He talks a lot about being able to choose our own problems. What is the difference between the two words?
Freedom is the range of possibilities available to you. Agency is the ability to consciously choose your relationship to reality. You can have freedom without agency, and agency even when your freedom is limited.
That sounded much more sustainable. I am not in control of the outside world. I have no idea how people will react or what is going to happen when I step outside the house.
If I need a specific condition to exist to be happy, I will continue chasing the next new thing forever. No matter how good my life is, there is always better — even if that world only exists in my head.
But now I am ready to choose. I am ready to commit, experience the full spectrum of that experience and operate within the boundaries of my choices.
If I want friends in my life who are there for me, maybe I should occasionally stay up till 2am to talk about life. Even if my sleep score will be low the next day. Or fly across the continent to be there for their birthday.
I want to stay even if a situation becomes challenging. Sit with it, make the best out of the situation, and find contentment within the messy reality of life.
Staying in Lisbon during the worst times could give me the headspace to build a business. Loving without knowing where it will lead could awaken my creativity. Pushing my body when it's tired helps me to build mental resilience when life is uncertain.
And when the sun starts shining in April, someone meets me where I am, or I hike with friends on a good day, I will appreciate those moments even more because I know what the darkness feels like.
Joy and sorrow no longer feel like opposing forces. They feel like different textures of the same life. Each reveals something the other cannot. There is no shadow without light.
Final words
Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped chasing a life without constraints. Every meaningful part of life comes bundled with something difficult. Friendship asks for time. Love asks for vulnerability. Growth asks for discomfort. Purpose asks for responsibility.
I want to choose which commitments are worth making and live them fully.
So let me leave you with the same question I started with: What is your definition of freedom? Has it changed over the years, or are you still chasing the version you inherited from someone else? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Maybe your answer will help someone else redefine their own.
I'm Robert. I write about aliveness, love, creativity, and the human experience through stories from my own life. If this essay resonated with you, you can find more reflections on Instagram and longer essays here on Substack.