It's 11:30pm and I am at Mischabelhütte tonight, 3340m above sea level in the heart of Switzerland's Saas valley. My heart is racing. I look at my watch, 123bpm. I have an alarm set for 2:30am, and the hardest mission of my life ahead. But I can't sleep. My mind is going crazy.
The anxiety was present for the two weeks leading up to this night. I did not believe this was right for me, but my friend pushed me. My rational mind was screaming NO, but something in me still agreed to do it.
I toss and turn for the next three hours, but eventually it's time to wake up. I look into my friend's eyes. He does not say a word. We go down for breakfast. There is a knot growing in my stomach.
I return the breakfast tray to the lady. She smiles and says, “Have a nice day!”. In my mind, I want to say “It was nice to meet you”, thinking that it's my last day on Earth. We walk down to the basement, and start to get ready.
The Mission
We are doing the Lenzspitze Nadelhorn traverse. It's a classic mountaineering route, linking two 4000m+ peaks with a beautiful ridge. The internet says we should be done in about 8 hours.
There are about 20 of us doing the same route. About two hours in, we start to gear up. We put on our ropes and crampons. It begins.
The sun starts to light up the sky behind us. It is the most breathtaking sunrise I’ve ever seen, but I am way too focused on not falling. Fortunately my friend is calmer, and he reminds me to stop for a moment to enjoy the view.
Slowly I start to feel more comfortable. This is incredible. The views are out of this world. I feel grateful for my friend leading the way, and me being a passenger prince. The excitement does not last long. My crampons feel loose, so I stop to adjust them. We are approaching the first peak.
But there is a surprise. A 45° ice wall, with a 1000m drop behind. This is ice-climbing territory, and we only have the bare minimum for this. I see that my friend is a bit worried.
I feel anger rising inside me. Why did he take me here? We are going to die, this is stupid. But then I stop myself. It's the worst possible time to get into a fight. I can shout at him when we are back at the hut. I need my full attention. We are a team, and we are going to get through this.
We start the climb. About 20 meters in, I look down at my crampons, and I see them coming loose again. I start to panic. There is no way I can do the climb without them. If either one of us falls, we slide down 1000 meters.
Suddenly I feel a sense of clarity like never before. Absolutely nothing matters right now besides making the next 30 meters without falling. I don't care about my job, my heartbreak or that I haven't slept. I am fully locked in.
I make a promise to the universe. If I get out of this alive, I will never do a sketchy mission like this again. Eventually we get out of the danger zone with my crampons still on, and get close to summiting the first peak.
We get to the top of Lenzspitze at 4294m at 11:25am. I can't hold it back anymore, and I burst into tears. It's a combination of releasing stress and feeling proud.
The day is far from over though. We still have the ridge to traverse. Apart from barely having time to stop for a snack, the rest of the climb feels easy compared to the first part.
We make it to the next peak at 3:48pm. Tears show up again. We’ve almost made it. In two hours, we’ll be back at the hut. We still have the descent ahead, so I remind myself not to let my guard down.
We get to the hut around 5:30pm. We are the last to come down, and go straight for dinner. The hut lady was worried about us, but she is glad we made it.
I feel ecstatic. What an epic day, the biggest adventure of my life. Part of me still wants to scream at my friend for the anxiety he caused me, but it is much quieter. The hut keeper asks us what our plan is for tomorrow. I answer without hesitation: “The SPA”. I am done with big mountain missions.
We still had a few more days together, so I was back on a different ridge in Zermatt two days later. The mind forgets fast. But that was my last proper mountaineering mission.
Reflecting on the Day
The second night back at the hut, I was lying in the same bed as the night before. But the thoughts in my head were different. My anger towards my friend started to dissolve.
Looking back at the day, there was only one sketchy part. Yes, the route was basically a no-fall zone the entire time. But technically, given that my friend was leading the route, it was within my capabilities. While far from being easy, as the day went by, I slowly eased into it. I even enjoyed parts of it.
What about the anxiety? I tend to get nervous before big outings. It's not the first time it happened. Whenever there is a lot of uncertainty, and a possibility of getting hurt, my mind plays out the worst case scenarios. I was familiar with this feeling, maybe that's why my subconscious kept going. I admired my friend for the missions he had done, which increased my trust in him.
During a psychedelic experience in 2022, I had this clear vision of me standing on top of Everest. The highest point on Earth. Everyone around me was amazed, inspired and happy for me. But after the initial euphoria of reaching the top wore off, I felt lonely. What's my next goal?
It took me two more years to get close to the root of that dream. I wanted admiration, an incredible story, and a path to follow that is more or less linear. It felt like the only person who could get in the way of that dream was me
But in the summer of 2024 I realised that I was not ready to commit years of my life to developing the skills and attitude to climb at that level. It would mean a lot of sacrifice, and locking myself into a dream I wasn’t even sure was mine.
I wanted to climb Everest, but was more in love with the idea of me standing on the summit than with the climb itself.
I still want to push the boundaries of my human existence on all possible levels. But I don't want to be flirting with death on a regular basis. There is so much magic even on a regular Tuesday. I might go again if the right moment comes, but I’ve stopped making it my life’s mission to conquer mountains.
I still love the mountains. But I don't need a bag full of gear and constant adrenaline rushing through my veins to feel alive anymore. My favorite part is being outside with my friends, getting on top of a peak with a small backpack, and enjoying the sandwiches we made the night before. Take silly pictures, be mesmerised by the views and have good conversations.
Have you ever got closer to a dream and realised you didn’t want the life that came with it? I’m curious about the dreams we quietly let go of. I’d love to hear what changed for you!
See you next week,
Robert.
Note: This is solely based on my experience and risk tolerance. We are all different. The same mission that feels hard for me, will feel like a walk in the park for someone. I have the utmost respect for all my friends and people who push the boundaries in the mountains.