I fell in love. She is everything I could ever ask for, brings a lot of magic into my life. But at the same time, we have a complicated relationship that makes me question my existence every single day.
I am forced to face my deepest fears, and examine every inch of my life. I’ve felt pain like never before, but also joy vibrating through my whole body and a type of love I could never have imagined.
She is not a person though. I fell in love with uncertainty. She has been there all my life, but until recently, we were in a toxic relationship.
One winter afternoon in 2025, I asked my dear friend Jorien on one of our walks in Switzerland: “What is something I should know that other people are afraid to tell me?”. She is Dutch, and I knew she wasn’t going to sugarcoat her answer.
”You should be more flexible”
Wow. Those 5 words took me by surprise. I immediately started defending myself. In my mind, I was already a spontaneous person. But I could not unhear what she shared, and began to look at my life through this new lens.
The thought of letting go of control scared me to death. I was fixated on knowing how situations would unfold, and would close my mind off from other possibilities. I wasn't even aware that I was doing this.
The time when I was outraged because my friends were 10 minutes late and I could not get the first lift. Half of my day was ruined, and no one could talk to me.
Needing to follow the same damn morning routine every single day. Meditation, speciality coffee, exercise, breakfast. If any of these were threatened, I’d panic.
Oh, and God forbid my bedtime routine should be disturbed by a late-night conversation about capybaras or a movie that runs 37 minutes longer than I’d like. I’d be there till 9:42pm, but then I’d be out without considering whether to stay a bit longer.
Damn… Could it be that my friend is right? Maybe I could become more flexible. But I felt terrified. What would happen if I let go of the steering wheel? Surely things would fall apart.
But I tried. Slowly, slowly, I started looking uncertainty in the eye. I would let other people's reality enter my mind, and update the algorithm if the outside world gave me new information.
I launched the previous version of this newsletter without knowing where that would lead. Started talking to strangers on the street for Instagram. Started to pivot when the direction did not make sense anymore. Still pivoting, but slowly getting closer. It gives me a sense of purpose I never felt before.
I started letting go of my image of what relationships should look like. I wanted all of them to have the same level of depth and presence, and when that did not happen, I would double down and get frustrated. The more unavailable someone was, the more I'd push, costing me the relationships with people who wanted to be around me.
I liked the person I was slowly becoming. Flowing through life, listening to my body, and getting constantly surprised. I did not know this was just a trailer.
Something shifted around the summer of 2026. Visiting one of my closest friends in London gave me a sense of safety I hadn’t felt in a while. Quitting my job in July finally gave creativity space to expand. Feeling at peace with who I am gave me the strength to love without needing anything in return.
The toxic relationship with uncertainty started to transform into something where both of us could be the best versions of ourselves. On my good days I am able to completely surrender to life, and let uncertainty bring me the magic. But it also forces me to look at my life honestly.
Am I following a path only because it is socially accepted and that’s how I’ve always done it? Why do I keep putting so much effort into relationships at the expense of my inner peace? What would I create in my wildest imagination? Where do I draw the line with people? Why do I seek love and validation externally?
I realised I am creative?! My whole life, I had thought of myself as an analytical person, lacking artistic skills. But then I started creating, and I am falling in love with the process. Writing, apps, videos, photos, ideas, experiences. Was this always inside me?
At the end of August 2026, I took a blank page and let my imagination go wild. This is THE experiment in letting go of control. What started with a questionable thought expanded into something I could not have imagined before. I keep on following breadcrumbs and letting uncertainty do its magic.
I am trying to let go of my demands from the future. I have dreams and hopes, but I treat them as waypoints. I am driving towards them, but focus on the journey, not on a specific outcome. I try to adapt to reality every single day based on the information I observe on the road.
Suddenly magic has lots of space to enter my life. I just need to pay attention and let life flow through me. I will keep on nurturing my relationship with uncertainty so both of us can bring the best version of ourselves to the table.
Let's see what happens.
With love,
Robert.